A Letter to Postpartum Depression

First off, you're a monster. You turned my life upside down right when it was supposed to be one of the happiest of times. Because of you, my husband had one of the hardest semesters ever and you put him behind on his thesis. You made him fear for my life. I wanted to appreciate the newborn stage of my son so badly but you robbed me of any joy I might have felt. Sometimes when I see other newborns, I try to remember when Eli was that little and I struggle through the haze. It's like you stole the memories of the first couple months of his life. I look at the few pictures I took then and can barely remember what it was like to hold him and interact with him. You sucked the life out of me during that time making my friends and family watch me turn into a shell of the person I was.

But in the end, I won. You fought hard but I fought harder. Because of you, I'm stronger than ever. When you tried to hurt my relationship with my husband, it didn't work. Instead my love grew exponentially as I watched him get extra special bonding time with our son. You thought you could ruin my relationship with my son, but I am bonded with him in spite of your efforts and I love him more than ever. I also got the opportunity to build strong friendships with so many people who served me in fighting you off. Because of this experience, I am now able to support others as they fight their own battle with you. Before you turned your evil head on me, I still struggled some with anxiety. But in order to build my strength for the battle, I learned more on how I can sustain my mental health so I can feel better than I ever have. I will never let you beat me. In the end, I can thank you for making me a Warrior Mom.

In your face,

Ashley

10 things that helped my postpartum depression

 

My therapist suggested I make a "how to recover from postpartum depression" for myself. When thinking about what has helped me, I thought that what I've learned might help others so I decided to share it here. I'd say that my PPD is currently in "remission". Like many physical diseases, issues with mental illness can come back if you don't take care of yourself. That is why it is so important to find what works for you and CONTINUE doing those things. These are what has helped me personally :)

1. Get professional help

I cannot stress this one enough! Just like if you were physically sick, you would go to the doctor and mental illness is no different. Both talk therapy and medications are extremely helpful in dealing with PPD. Some need just one, some combine them. I found that both were vital to my recovery. Medications can help with any hormone or neurotransmitter imbalances so you can feel better faster and therapy helps you learn skills to deal with daily challenges and readjust thought processes. There is nothing to be afraid of with either of these and you may not need them forever. But if you need them more long-term, there is no shame in that. Those with diabetes need insulin shots or those with hypertension need medications, right? Don't be afraid of doing what you can to stay mentally healthy!

2. Adjust expectations

This is something I am still working on. People will tell you so many different (and sometimes contradictory) things to help "prepare" you for parenthood. So much is trial and error with every child and every parent being different. I had certain expectations about breastfeeding, Eli sleeping in our room, and work that I had to adjust. It's ok to change your mind on things you felt strongly about. PPD affects and changes how you deal with parenthood. But change isn't bad. Even if it doesn't go with what people "normally" do. For example, Adam always gets up at night to help Eli. We found that he could go back to sleep easier and deal with less sleep better than I can. I've had a very difficult time not feeling guilty that I'm not having to be initiated into parenthood this way. But I know that I am a happier, better mom if I can get sleep and Adam is not negatively affected too much.

3. Find your passions

Think of things that make you happy and do them. For me, I tried to find things that helped me be a better mom or helped contribute that made me feel good. Some people are surprised that we cloth diaper but honestly I really enjoy it. Even doing the diaper laundry is extremely satisfying. I have been able to research and join groups to learn more about the laundry science and cloth diapers. One of my favorite sites is www.fluffloveuniversity.com. I know I'm weird ;) I also enjoy funny how to videos for moms. My favorite channel is What's Up Moms on YouTube. Whether it be cooking, sewing, child development, or whatever. Find things you love related to motherhood and learn more.

4. Accomplish at least 3 things a day

Whether it's doing dishes, going to the grocery store, or even just taking a shower, try to do at least 3 things a day. With PPD, sometimes it is extremely hard to do simple things like getting dressed for the day. But don't discount small victories. At the end of the day, I wrote down things I was proud of that I did or anything I did that was hard. It will show you daily that you can do hard things and even small improvement is improvement nonetheless.

5. Get a little exercise

Anyone who knows me would not consider me to be a fitness guru by any means. But getting active even a little bit was very helpful in my recovery. I would try to go on a short walk as often as I could. Most of the time I would do so while using my Baby Ktan carrier. Now I use a woven wrap that I can use for front and back carries Baby wearing is extremely beneficial for those suffering perinatal mood/anxiety disorders and it was extremely beneficial for me to help with bonding. I would take Eli out and show him things and talk with him as I walked. It helped me feel close to him while getting fresh air and moving my body a little.

6. Get a little sleep

Some people assume that sleep deprivation is not negotiable with parenthood. But with PPD, less sleep can actually make you worse. I'm not saying you have to get 8 hours a night or even the much used "nap while the baby naps". If you deal with postpartum anxiety like I did, sleeping even while the baby sleeps can be a huge struggle. Don't be afraid to ask for help! Whether it is a sleep aid from your doctor or having someone come over just in case the baby wakes up. For me, I couldn't nap while alone with Eli sleeping until recently. And at night I take medications and use ear plugs. Do what works for you but put getting a little more sleep as a priority.

7. Find positive mommy friends

It is so helpful to connect to people who are in similar situations. But sometimes it can turn into all complaining and commiserating which won't make you feel better. That's why it is so important to surround yourself with positivity. Yes, life isn't all happiness and sunshine but if you dwell on the things that are going wrong, that is all you'll see. I would get together once a week with some girls in my church congregation for a play group. They would listen and empathize with my struggles but also uplift me and show me how great motherhood can be. I always felt so much better after being with them.

8. Don't avoid hard things

This is especially important if you struggle with Postpartum Anxiety. Early on, I had a very difficult time taking care of Eli whenever I felt anxious or had panic attacks. Sometimes I would even run away to my bedroom to escape. But this only fuels the fear. My therapist suggested I hold Eli and continue take care of him in spite of any panic or anxiety I felt. The first time I had a panic attack with him was SO hard. All I wanted to do was walk away but staying showed me that fear doesn't have to hold me back. Slowly, the anxiety decreased and I am happy to say that I haven't had a panic attack in a couple months.

9. Take breaks

This may seem contrary to what I just said in #8 but its all about balance. Its ok to take breaks to have some time to yourself but that is different than escaping. It could be going and reading your favorite book or watching an episode of your favorite TV show. You could go out with a friend to do something fun or go on a date with your husband. Its not wrong to want time away from your baby. It can help you feel like you're still the same person since PPD can make you feel so different than normal. One thing that helped me was doing something helpful like folding laundry while watching a show and Adam took care of Eli. Also when I knew I struggled with the desire to escape, I would set time limits of how long I could take time to myself. This helped so I didn't take it too far and avoid spending time with Eli.

10. Trust in the Lord

 I struggled with this in the beginning because I felt so resentful. I knew that Heavenly Father had led us to have Eli but I was angry that it was so much harder than I expected. I started feeling better when I accepted that this was another opportunity for growth that He had given me. I also know that as long as we are trying our best, He makes up for what we lack. I know that I'm not a perfect parent but I am so grateful for His strength and assistance. Christ's atonement covers imperfect parenting. I know that if I trust in the Lord that I will be able to be a better mom than I would be on my own.

I hope these things are helpful to someone. If nothing else, this is a record of what helped me so I can look back on it when I need a boost. Everyone will deal with PPD in their own way but don't be ashamed of it. Fearlessly find what helps you be the best parent you can be.

2015: Year in review

Here are some of our big moments of this year:

- Adam started his second semester of grad school

- We announced I was pregnant the end of January

- visited Washington in March for one of my best friend's weddings

 - had a baby shower in Provo

 - visited WA again the end of May and had another baby shower there

 - Adam turned 26

 - a summer filled with baby preparations

- Adam co-taught a new class at BYU

- Our son Eli entered the world on August 21st

 - Adam started his second year of grad school

- I turned 24
- Eli was blessed October 11th

- We celebrated lots of fun holidays

- Eli grew

- I quit my job

- We started 2016!!

Happy New Year everyone!!

<3 The Lloyds

Our December

Quick updates!

Adam: finished off his semester with a 4.0!

Ashley: officially quit work the first week of December to become a stay-at-home mom

Eli: turned 4 months, rolls from tummy to back easily, became more vocal, and learned to stick his tongue out

Christmas: I got sick, then Adam got sick but overall we had a fun Christmas. We stayed in town and spent the time with my sister Stephanie and her family going to temple square and having a yummy Christmas dinner :)

Anniversary: We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary by going on various dates throughout the day. We first went to the Norman Rockwell exhibit at BYU and then we went to a matinee of Star Wars. In the evening, we went to dinner and then shopped using our Christmas gift cards. I know, we are so exciting haha ;)

New Years Eve: We spent the evening eating dinner and playing games with friends. This day was bittersweet because my maternal grandmother passed away.

Our November

Here are our quick updates for the last month!

Adam: He is continuing his semester and is now almost done! I reduced my work hours so that was very helpful in relieving some of the stress he's been dealing with. We also found out that he will not be teaching DigHT 215 next semester. This is the class he's been teaching for the last three semesters. Adam has enjoyed teaching but is kind of relieved to have a little more time to work on his master's project. Luckily, he will be able to work a full 20 hours at BYU Online next semester which has a little bit of a higher pay :) He is excited for the end of this tough semester and to have a break at Christmas!

Ashley: I continued to work part-time until this week. It has been great working for Wasatch Mental Health and I absolutely love the people I work with. But being a stay-at-mom will be exactly where I need to be :) I hopefully will find hobbies and happiness even without going to a job.

Eli: He is one happy baby! Adam and I always remind each other on how lucky we are to have him. He is healthy, developing properly, and relatively easy to take care of. We are so blessed! He has discovered his voice and so he babbles constantly which is adorable :) He loves to roll from side to side, smiling, and giggling. I hope no one minds how often I post pictures of him!

Thanksgiving: This month's special event! We stayed in Provo again and did dinner with my sister Stephanie and her family. We divided up the dishes and everything turned out delicious! It was interesting to have to make many different dishes while tending a semi-unhappy baby haha. But we did it! We ate our yummy food and enjoyed watching Inside Out together. I must say that from a former psychology student, that movie is AMAZING!!! :)

We are excited for a fun December and Christmas to come!

<3 Ashley

The Love Comes: Continuing my journey of postpartum depresion

I had a really great response to my first post on postpartum depression so I thought to document how I've been doing lately. I hope that by me being open others will be encouraged to seek help. One of my biggest pet peeves is stigma with mental health so if I can help educate people in my little sphere, that is what I want to do.

First off, I am doing a lot better. I am not completely 100% back to normal but every week gets better. The first month postpartum, I struggled with suicidal thoughts occasionally. I am happy to say that it has been quite awhile since I have had any such thoughts. I have been going to therapy consistently and have adjusted my medications a couple times hoping to get the right balance and improvement. In therapy, I have been practicing recognizing when negative thought patterns begin and stopping them. I try harder to celebrate the little victories.

One thing I initially struggled with was bonding with Eli. I should first say that difficulty bonding is not the main indication of PPD. You can still be experiencing PPD without it. But for my journey, that was one of the symptoms. After Eli was born, I felt a strange disconnect between him and the baby I had carried inside me. It seemed too surreal that he could be that baby. Although it helped in the long-term, I struggled to come to terms with quitting breastfeeding. I felt unnecessary in my baby's life because anyone could take care of him. I also felt a bit of resentment towards him for putting me through this. That made me feel really guilty because I knew it wasn't his fault or mine. But the love came. One night I was struggling with guilt because I didn't feel like I loved Eli like a mother should because I enjoyed my time away from him so much. Adam asked me how I would feel if Eli was taken from me now having known him. I started crying realizing that I couldn't bear the thought of not having my little boy in my life. I had been too caught up with how a mother's love was supposed to be, ignoring what I felt. Now, I take note of the little moments in motherhood that I feel that love.

Also, Adam and I made the decision for me to leave work earlier than we planned. Originally, I was going to work until January but it was getting difficult for Adam to juggle his work and school responsibilities with taking care of Eli while I work. So, we decided that I should reduce my work hours now and end the first week of December. Whenever I thought of being a stay-at-home mom in January, I always felt fear. I worried that my PPD would get worse. However, after prayerfully deciding to leave earlier, I felt peace. I knew that Heavenly Father would help me if I made an effort to focus more on Eli. In my last days of working, I've tried harder to enjoy the time I have with Eli, rather than always looking forward to my next work shift. That has definitely made a difference.

I still struggle with times of feeling down or overwhelmed, but it is getting better. I know I am not alone in dealing with this and I am so grateful for all of the support I have received from my family and friends. Thank you!

Our October

Updates
Adam: He continues to be an incredible husband, dad, and student. Sadly, he decided to withdraw from his family history course so that he would have more time to work on his graduate courses and his master's project. On the 11th, he went to Salt Lake City and presented with his team at the West Coast Conference for the Association for Asian Studies. Also, he got officially accepted to present on a online education panel at the AAS's national conference in the spring! He also got a scholarship for next semester which will be a HUGE help since I will no longer be working then. He is such a hard worker.

Ashley: I'm still working for Wasatch Mental Health and enjoying it for these last few months. I am getting more used to being a mom which has helped my PPD. I still am getting treatment and slowly improving. There are still bad days but hopefully I'll feel closer to my normal self soon. I'm used to feeling the anxiety but the depression is so new to me that it is difficult to deal with sometimes. But as Eli grows, my strength and love for him increases.

Eli: He is now two months old and a very happy baby. I think the Lord knew that we needed to be blessed with a good baby at this time. He is now just over 11 lbs, fitting into his cloth diapers, gets the hiccups ALL the time, and smiles lots. He is just starting to laugh more and occasionally grab or wack at toys. He also is getting better and better at head control. He loves sitting up on the couch, sucking on his fist, and having us talk to him. He's very social but is also content to just lay on a blanket and look around (a perfect mash-up of his parents' personalities). He enjoys when we sing to him and smile at him. We love him so much and are looking forward to all the new things he will learn.

Special Events
Blessing: Eli was blessed on the 12th. We were so lucky to have Adam's parents, Adam's sister Sharon and her family, and my sister Jessica all in town. Sadly, my dad came down with shingles right before they were going to leave to come down here so my parents weren't able to be there. They were sorely missed but hopefully it won't be too much longer before they get to meet their second grand-baby. We had a fun filled weekend spending time with both sides of the family. We hadn't seen Sharon and her family in over a year and were so excited to meet our newest nephew. All the kids enjoyed meeting Eli as well. Eli was a good sport for the blessing and the pictures afterwards. He slept all through church and then woke up happy for the pictures and just started to fuss when we were finishing. After the blessing, we all went to Adam's cousin's new house to chill and party the rest of the day.

Halloween: We had a pretty low key Halloween, not doing too much on the actual day except playing games with friends and watching Hocus Pocus. We did enjoy going to the church Halloween party! I'm always amazed at how creative people get with couples and family costumes. We were Charlie Brown and Snoopy last year and we decided to use them again. Funnily enough, we were trying to get pregnant this time last year and talked about that if we had a baby next year, we could do a Woodstock costume. So this year, I made one and it turned out super cute. I used every bit of the minimal craftiness I have to make the hat. He looked so adorable :)

Well until next time!

<3 Ashley

P.S. I hope no one on facebook minds the numerous baby pictures :)