First off, I am doing a lot better. I am not completely 100% back to normal but every week gets better. The first month postpartum, I struggled with suicidal thoughts occasionally. I am happy to say that it has been quite awhile since I have had any such thoughts. I have been going to therapy consistently and have adjusted my medications a couple times hoping to get the right balance and improvement. In therapy, I have been practicing recognizing when negative thought patterns begin and stopping them. I try harder to celebrate the little victories.
One thing I initially struggled with was bonding with Eli. I should first say that difficulty bonding is not the main indication of PPD. You can still be experiencing PPD without it. But for my journey, that was one of the symptoms. After Eli was born, I felt a strange disconnect between him and the baby I had carried inside me. It seemed too surreal that he could be that baby. Although it helped in the long-term, I struggled to come to terms with quitting breastfeeding. I felt unnecessary in my baby's life because anyone could take care of him. I also felt a bit of resentment towards him for putting me through this. That made me feel really guilty because I knew it wasn't his fault or mine. But the love came. One night I was struggling with guilt because I didn't feel like I loved Eli like a mother should because I enjoyed my time away from him so much. Adam asked me how I would feel if Eli was taken from me now having known him. I started crying realizing that I couldn't bear the thought of not having my little boy in my life. I had been too caught up with how a mother's love was supposed to be, ignoring what I felt. Now, I take note of the little moments in motherhood that I feel that love.
Also, Adam and I made the decision for me to leave work earlier than we planned. Originally, I was going to work until January but it was getting difficult for Adam to juggle his work and school responsibilities with taking care of Eli while I work. So, we decided that I should reduce my work hours now and end the first week of December. Whenever I thought of being a stay-at-home mom in January, I always felt fear. I worried that my PPD would get worse. However, after prayerfully deciding to leave earlier, I felt peace. I knew that Heavenly Father would help me if I made an effort to focus more on Eli. In my last days of working, I've tried harder to enjoy the time I have with Eli, rather than always looking forward to my next work shift. That has definitely made a difference.
I still struggle with times of feeling down or overwhelmed, but it is getting better. I know I am not alone in dealing with this and I am so grateful for all of the support I have received from my family and friends. Thank you!
