Our November

Here are our quick updates for the last month!

Adam: He is continuing his semester and is now almost done! I reduced my work hours so that was very helpful in relieving some of the stress he's been dealing with. We also found out that he will not be teaching DigHT 215 next semester. This is the class he's been teaching for the last three semesters. Adam has enjoyed teaching but is kind of relieved to have a little more time to work on his master's project. Luckily, he will be able to work a full 20 hours at BYU Online next semester which has a little bit of a higher pay :) He is excited for the end of this tough semester and to have a break at Christmas!

Ashley: I continued to work part-time until this week. It has been great working for Wasatch Mental Health and I absolutely love the people I work with. But being a stay-at-mom will be exactly where I need to be :) I hopefully will find hobbies and happiness even without going to a job.

Eli: He is one happy baby! Adam and I always remind each other on how lucky we are to have him. He is healthy, developing properly, and relatively easy to take care of. We are so blessed! He has discovered his voice and so he babbles constantly which is adorable :) He loves to roll from side to side, smiling, and giggling. I hope no one minds how often I post pictures of him!

Thanksgiving: This month's special event! We stayed in Provo again and did dinner with my sister Stephanie and her family. We divided up the dishes and everything turned out delicious! It was interesting to have to make many different dishes while tending a semi-unhappy baby haha. But we did it! We ate our yummy food and enjoyed watching Inside Out together. I must say that from a former psychology student, that movie is AMAZING!!! :)

We are excited for a fun December and Christmas to come!

<3 Ashley

The Love Comes: Continuing my journey of postpartum depresion

I had a really great response to my first post on postpartum depression so I thought to document how I've been doing lately. I hope that by me being open others will be encouraged to seek help. One of my biggest pet peeves is stigma with mental health so if I can help educate people in my little sphere, that is what I want to do.

First off, I am doing a lot better. I am not completely 100% back to normal but every week gets better. The first month postpartum, I struggled with suicidal thoughts occasionally. I am happy to say that it has been quite awhile since I have had any such thoughts. I have been going to therapy consistently and have adjusted my medications a couple times hoping to get the right balance and improvement. In therapy, I have been practicing recognizing when negative thought patterns begin and stopping them. I try harder to celebrate the little victories.

One thing I initially struggled with was bonding with Eli. I should first say that difficulty bonding is not the main indication of PPD. You can still be experiencing PPD without it. But for my journey, that was one of the symptoms. After Eli was born, I felt a strange disconnect between him and the baby I had carried inside me. It seemed too surreal that he could be that baby. Although it helped in the long-term, I struggled to come to terms with quitting breastfeeding. I felt unnecessary in my baby's life because anyone could take care of him. I also felt a bit of resentment towards him for putting me through this. That made me feel really guilty because I knew it wasn't his fault or mine. But the love came. One night I was struggling with guilt because I didn't feel like I loved Eli like a mother should because I enjoyed my time away from him so much. Adam asked me how I would feel if Eli was taken from me now having known him. I started crying realizing that I couldn't bear the thought of not having my little boy in my life. I had been too caught up with how a mother's love was supposed to be, ignoring what I felt. Now, I take note of the little moments in motherhood that I feel that love.

Also, Adam and I made the decision for me to leave work earlier than we planned. Originally, I was going to work until January but it was getting difficult for Adam to juggle his work and school responsibilities with taking care of Eli while I work. So, we decided that I should reduce my work hours now and end the first week of December. Whenever I thought of being a stay-at-home mom in January, I always felt fear. I worried that my PPD would get worse. However, after prayerfully deciding to leave earlier, I felt peace. I knew that Heavenly Father would help me if I made an effort to focus more on Eli. In my last days of working, I've tried harder to enjoy the time I have with Eli, rather than always looking forward to my next work shift. That has definitely made a difference.

I still struggle with times of feeling down or overwhelmed, but it is getting better. I know I am not alone in dealing with this and I am so grateful for all of the support I have received from my family and friends. Thank you!

Our October

Updates
Adam: He continues to be an incredible husband, dad, and student. Sadly, he decided to withdraw from his family history course so that he would have more time to work on his graduate courses and his master's project. On the 11th, he went to Salt Lake City and presented with his team at the West Coast Conference for the Association for Asian Studies. Also, he got officially accepted to present on a online education panel at the AAS's national conference in the spring! He also got a scholarship for next semester which will be a HUGE help since I will no longer be working then. He is such a hard worker.

Ashley: I'm still working for Wasatch Mental Health and enjoying it for these last few months. I am getting more used to being a mom which has helped my PPD. I still am getting treatment and slowly improving. There are still bad days but hopefully I'll feel closer to my normal self soon. I'm used to feeling the anxiety but the depression is so new to me that it is difficult to deal with sometimes. But as Eli grows, my strength and love for him increases.

Eli: He is now two months old and a very happy baby. I think the Lord knew that we needed to be blessed with a good baby at this time. He is now just over 11 lbs, fitting into his cloth diapers, gets the hiccups ALL the time, and smiles lots. He is just starting to laugh more and occasionally grab or wack at toys. He also is getting better and better at head control. He loves sitting up on the couch, sucking on his fist, and having us talk to him. He's very social but is also content to just lay on a blanket and look around (a perfect mash-up of his parents' personalities). He enjoys when we sing to him and smile at him. We love him so much and are looking forward to all the new things he will learn.

Special Events
Blessing: Eli was blessed on the 12th. We were so lucky to have Adam's parents, Adam's sister Sharon and her family, and my sister Jessica all in town. Sadly, my dad came down with shingles right before they were going to leave to come down here so my parents weren't able to be there. They were sorely missed but hopefully it won't be too much longer before they get to meet their second grand-baby. We had a fun filled weekend spending time with both sides of the family. We hadn't seen Sharon and her family in over a year and were so excited to meet our newest nephew. All the kids enjoyed meeting Eli as well. Eli was a good sport for the blessing and the pictures afterwards. He slept all through church and then woke up happy for the pictures and just started to fuss when we were finishing. After the blessing, we all went to Adam's cousin's new house to chill and party the rest of the day.

Halloween: We had a pretty low key Halloween, not doing too much on the actual day except playing games with friends and watching Hocus Pocus. We did enjoy going to the church Halloween party! I'm always amazed at how creative people get with couples and family costumes. We were Charlie Brown and Snoopy last year and we decided to use them again. Funnily enough, we were trying to get pregnant this time last year and talked about that if we had a baby next year, we could do a Woodstock costume. So this year, I made one and it turned out super cute. I used every bit of the minimal craftiness I have to make the hat. He looked so adorable :)

Well until next time!

<3 Ashley

P.S. I hope no one on facebook minds the numerous baby pictures :)

Our September

I really appreciated everyone's response to my last post. I was so worried about sharing that much of what I was dealing with but I know it was the right thing to do. So many people reached out to me and shared their experience with postpartum depression and anxiety. Thank you for showing I am not alone.

Here's how the month has been for each of us!

Adam:  He has been amazing. He helps out so much with Eli and around the house while still finding time to support me through the PPD, do homework, and work in his jobs. For a little bit he stayed home from his classes to be with me, but luckily his professors have been super understanding and he didn't have to miss too many classes. He is only taking three classes this semester and they aren't too taxing right now. He is taking an advanced instructional design class, a statistics course, and a family history class (just for fun). He is also continuing to work on his master's project. In a couple of weeks, he will be presenting what he's been working on with his team at the regional Asian Studies conference in Salt Lake City! That also happens to be the same weekend as Eli's blessing so it will be VERY busy haha. Adam is aiming to graduate from his program in August 2016 so he doesn't have too much coursework left. Mostly it is just finishing his project. He is continuing to work for BYU Online as well as teach Digital Humanities 215 at BYU. He is enjoying the incoming of the fall season because it also means football season! Eli will learn quickly all about his daddy's love of BYU football :)

Ashley: I am improving every day. Dealing with PPD is rough sometimes as I have occasional bad moments but there are more good than bad. I was lucky to find some medications that are working right now as well as learning some coping skills in therapy. I returned to work at my part-time job at Wasatch Mental Health last week and it went really well. I am happier and less overwhelmed when taking care of Eli because I am able to have that break to what I did before he was born. It also helps to get into a routine of what will be our new normal. Everyone at my work was very excited to have me back which was a good mood booster. Many of the regular clients were excited to see me not pregnant anymore and see pictures of Eli. I am very grateful that at least for now I have the opportunity to work in such a wonderful environment. And Adam has been great at balancing all of the things he does with taking care of Eli while I work. I am hoping that I will continue to feel more like myself while still not being too hard on myself when the PPD/PPA flares up. I have definitely felt the prayers and thoughts on our behalf. Thank you :)

Eli: He is growing every day which is always so shocking to me. Already a month old! He is starting to grow out of his newborn clothes and he's gaining some more baby fat. He is more alert now which has been fun. And this last week he just started to smile! It doesn't happen super often right now but its always so wonderful when you successfully get him to grin :) He does not enjoy tummy time very much but he is getting a lot better with head and neck control when he is vertical. I met with a nurse that works for an in-home program for first time moms and she gave a lot of information and instruction on what we can do to help facilitate his development. I try to do what I can but its not always easy when he gets overtired. Eli enjoys eating, being held, and being allowed to wiggle while laying on his back on a blanket. We can't wait for his blessing in couple weeks so he can meet more of his family :)

One month old

Again, thank you everyone for your service, thoughts, and prayers. We have felt so much support near and far :)

An open and honest post about Postpartum Depression

I know that a lot of trials and issues people deal with are kept private but I believe that in order to get support from others, you have to be open yourself. Often people don't feel like they can talk about things unless someone opens up first so that's what I'm doing now.

I've been open before about my issues with anxiety and panic disorders. Because of this my midwives knew that I was at risk for postpartum depression. I knew I'd probably have anxiety but I've never dealt with clinical depression so I didn't think that it would be too big of a problem. Boy was I wrong. About 4 days after Eli was born, the depression hit hard. I broke down and admitted to myself and Adam that it was severe. Due to having some suicidal thoughts, we decided to take me to the emergency room. After getting a couple bags of IV fluids (I was severely dehydrated) and talking to a crisis worker, I decided it would be better for my recovery to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. I felt very guilty about this but I knew that in order for me to better take care of Eli, I had to allow myself to recover which required allowing others to help. I have received SO much support from my family and my ward family. However, it is still hard.

I've made improvements in the last couple weeks and have more good days than bad. It is hard when I have bad moments. It is hard not to feel like I'm regressing when I have a panic attack and need Adam to take care of Eli. It's hard not to feel like a bad mom when I have times where I don't feel bonded with my baby. It is hard to fear those dark thoughts returning and sinking back into that hole of depression. But there have been things that have helped.

Postpartum depression is an illness. Those hard things I'm dealing with are symptoms and not me. Bonding takes time but it will come. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be strengthened through this. I am never alone. I once said in this blog that sometimes we are given more than we can handle. But we are not meant to handle it alone. Through the help of the Spirit, angels (both mortal and heavenly), and treatment from trained professionals, I will get better. I'm at the beginning of a long road but there will be an end.

If anyone has dealt with or is dealing with postpartum depression/anxiety, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to receive support from you but more importantly, I would love to support you. We are not alone in any trial.

Thank you to all those who have provided us so much service in the last month. We will never be able to fully express to you our gratitude for everything anyone has done for us. Thank you :)

Eli's Birth Story

Well it turned out that my last post was the last one I would write while pregnant! Our little boy Eli Edmund Lloyd was born last Friday on August 21, 2015. At birth he weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and was 20 inches long. I thought I should write down his birth story while I have it pretty fresh in my mind. It is pretty long but I wanted to keep it for posterity. The short version is that I started labor on the afternoon of the 19th, Eli was posterior so it was long, my water broke at 3 am on Friday, and he was born at 11:42 am. And this is the long version :)

Last Wednesday (Aug 19th), we had my 39 week appointment. Nothing new happened there, just the usual blood pressure, weight check, fundal height check. I had decided that I didn't want to do cervical checks unless I went late because it really doesn't tell me much that I'm at a 1 at 39 weeks. Also, they aren't fun so delaying them as long as possible was appealing. Our midwife ended the appointment saying that they may see me next week or at the hospital next. On our way to drop off Adam at work, we laughed at the thought that I could go into labor any day. There were quite a few people who predicted that I would go early but as I hadn't had consistent surges (contractions) yet, I wasn't convinced. I went to work as usual and around 4 pm I noticed that I had been having surges a lot more often than usual and I decided to time them. They weren't very painful but I continued to practice my hypnobirthing and breathing each time. It turned out they were coming about every 5-6 minutes lasting a minute long. This surprised me because I had never been that consistent before. They continued that way and at 5 I left work to pick up Adam. I called him to let him know what was going on but I was trying not to get my hopes up as every time we timed surges before, they stopped. I also texted my doula, Fiona because I was having some back pain occasionally. She told me that it might mean that he wasn't in a good position. I tried not to worry as I picked up Adam. He drove the rest of the way home because the surges were getting a little more intense. We ordered pizza when we got home and watched TV as I worked through the surges. Eventually I decided to take a bath to help with the surges and pain in my back and Adam read some hypnobirthing scripts. The surges kept staying consistent at 5-6 minutes apart lasting about 1 1/2 long so we started to consider when we should go to the hospital. We debated for a long time but eventually we decided to go just to see what was happening. We went to the hospital and I was only at about 1 1/2 cm but I was 80% effaced so we went home to labor some more. The nurse said that since I was pretty thinned out, it shouldn't take too long.

When we went back home we tried to sleep but the surges kept coming consistently at 5 minutes and getting more intense. Now every surge was paired with horrible pain in my lower back. It worried me a lot so I texted Fiona for help at about 5 am on Thursday. She said it sounded like he might be posterior and that she would come over and we'd try some things to turn him. When she got to our apartment, we tried a few different positions to try to turn him and she helped put counter pressure on my back and hips whenever I had a surge. It was so great to have her there with that extra knowledge and so that Adam could have a break. I would recommend EVERYONE get a doula for labor because we definitely couldn't have done it without her. The back pain wasn't letting up so we decided to go back to the hospital at around 7 am to see if I'd progressed and to double check his position. When we got to the hospital they checked me and I was at a 3. They also did an ultrasound and sure enough, little Eli was looking right at us. So they laid me in very uncomfortable positions as I labored for another hour. The back pain continued but I kept trying to use my hypnobirthing to stay relaxed. After an hour, they checked again and I was at a 6! So they admitted me and I continued to labor. My goal was to give birth naturally so Adam and I had been practicing hypnobirthing relaxation techniques for months. He was a champ at keeping me relaxed and even the nurses were amazed at how well it was working. Around midday my midwife came to check on me. After so much time and effort I was hoping something would have happened. But no. I was still at a 6. I wasn't ready to do anything to help things along so I continued to labor. There were times that Eli's heartbeat wasn't variable enough so they put me on IV fluids and oxygen which helped. At this point my mental game was fading but I kept trying to focus on my relaxation. The surges weren't getting any closer together but they were VERY intense and my back pain was killing me. The midwife was at another hospital so she had one of the nurses check me again around 7 or 8 pm and...still at a 6. After over 24 hours of labor. At this point, I started sobbing because they said that this could go on for days since he wasn't turning. My midwife was going to come to the hospital to talk to me but she got stuck with an emergency c section so she relayed her recommendations over the phone with our nurse. She said that since I wasn't wanting augmentation, it would be best if I went home. This was not what I wanted to hear but the nurse and Fiona and Adam all thought it might help for me to get out of the hospital setting for a bit especially because this could go on indefinitely. I was pretty close to begging for pitocin and an epidural but I decided to go home and let him come when he was ready. So they gave me a shot of morphine and some sleep medicine to hopefully give me some relief. 

We all went home at around 10 pm and I was able to sleep for about an hour and a half before I woke up with more surges and back pain. They were now about 10 minutes apart so I tried to do some of the positions to try and turn him to give me something to do since I was not sleeping. Eventually they stretched out to 20 minutes apart with no change in my back. Now that I was home, I recognized that it was good to not push Eli to come. Since the surges were getting further apart, I decided to go back to bed to try to get some sleep. We went back to bed but I felt like I had to go pee so I got up go to the bathroom and at that point my water broke (around 3 am on Friday). I ran to the bathroom and just stood in the tub as I yelled to Adam to call our doula. I just stood in our tub for a bit shaking as the water kept coming. Eventually we got some towels and wrapped me in an old robe to go back to the hospital. At least now we knew this was for real although I was extremely worried that he had engaged posterior and there would be no chance of turning him. I was also still having loads of back pain. We met Fiona at the hospital and this time I was able to skip triage and go straight back to the same room I was in. There was no need to verify that my water had broken as I was making quite a mess on the floor, including losing my mucus plug. I thought that happened before your water broke but it was kinda simultaneous for me. They checked me again and...I was still at a 6! I was not happy. I had hoped to have a natural birth (not to mention I had been scared to death of getting an epidural) but after 36 hours of labor I decided I would get an epidural. I felt a bit sad but everyone pointed out how amazing it was that I had gotten that far with just hypnobirthing. So the epidural was ordered and we waited for the anesthesiologist to come. He eventually came and Adam used hypnobirthing scripts to get me deeply relaxed for the procedure. With my phobia of needles, I couldn't have gotten the epidural without hypnobirthing but I did it. And I finally got some relief from my back pain! They also checked me again and I had made it to an 8!! I was so happy. Everyone felt that the epidural had allowed me to finally progress. Now I was able to relax better but after awhile I started to feel the surges and back pain again. They had to up the anesthesia a couple times but eventually I was able to have relief again. They checked me again later and I was fully dilated! This was around 10:30-11 am on Friday. The midwife was on her way but the nurses had me start to push to see how it would go. Luckily the epidural was still strong enough that I only felt pressure the whole time of pushing. They found that I was pushing a little too well so they had me stop for awhile to wait for the midwife to come. Eventually she made it and I started pushing again. Finally at 11:42 am, Eli was placed on my stomach. (Side note: he didn't come out posterior so somewhere along the way he had turned.) I started bawling as I touched his face not believing that he was finally here. They cut the cord, cleaned him, checked him, and placed him on my chest for some skin to skin time. They had to give me some pitocin at the end because they thought I might've started to hemorrhage. Also I did tear a little and they had to give me a small episiotomy because I had started to tear the wrong way. But all was well with my little boy in my arms :) We stayed in the hospital until Sunday morning when we got to bring our little bundle home.

I was able to start breastfeeding right away which was wonderful and I continued to breastfeed until Tuesday this week. I realized that it would be best for me physically and emotionally if we switched to formula. I was a little sad to stop because that was something I looked forward to but things have been a lot better since then so I know that this was the right thing for us :) I didn't have too many complications with the epidural except I got a spinal headache. They had to fix it by doing a blood patch (basically another epidural except they put your own blood into your spine instead of anesthesia) which is pretty much the worst thing ever for someone who has a phobia of needles. Even though the experience didn't happen exactly as I had hoped for in my birth preferences, I am ok with it. Unexpected things like him being posterior happen and maybe I can do it all natural next time. I know that things worked out this time in the way they needed to for him to come in his own way.

We are overjoyed to be parents and we are SO grateful for all of the love and support we have felt from our family and friends. Our ward has especially been wonderful in helping us adjust to this new life. Thank you! Well there will be lots more updates from now on! Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with them :)

P.S. If anyone is interested in hypnobirthing, I would HIGHLY recommend it, even if you aren't planning on going natural. Our doula Fiona teaches a wonderful class! Check her out at www.ihypnobirth.com :)

39 Weeks FAQs

I am officially 39 weeks today which means only 1 week until the guess date! I thought it might be good to give some updates since it has been awhile. Its strange to think this may be the last time I post before our baby boy is here! I'm going to make this into kinda like a frequently asked questions for us since we (especially me) gets asked these questions a billion times a day, so here it goes!

When's the baby coming?! (our most frequently asked)
Whenever he feels like coming! Haha I know people mostly mean when is my due date but this question makes me laugh because he could really come any time from today to three weeks from now. But to answer the question people usually mean by this, the due date the doctor's office gave me is August 24th, but we'll see when he feels ready to come though :)

How are you feeling physically?
Very tired and sore mostly. The third trimester has been kinda tough for me as I've gotten bigger. My pelvis and hips have been in A LOT of pain. Laying in bed and switching positions is especially hard. I got a belly support band that has helped and I went to a physical therapist once to get some exercises. I have good days and bad days but lately things have been a little better. We had a little bit of scare because I had an allergic reaction to an essential oil I used that they thought might have been another problem. Luckily it wasn't more than an allergic reaction so a week's worth of Benedryl fixed that :)

Are you nervous?
I feel a little nervous about the life change but mostly I feel ready to be done with pregnancy and move on to the next step. A couple of weeks ago, it hit me how close I was getting and I dealt with some pretty severe anxiety but with the help of a very loving husband, Heavenly Father, and sweet midwives, I am feeling a lot better :)

Do you feel prepared?
Yes I do! I thought that I would never feel prepared to have this baby but honestly I do. We have everything we need I think. We even have our hospital bag packed! While we are waiting for him to arrive, we've also been able to work on some helpful but not essential things like crafts for the nursery and prepping freezer meals. As for the labor and delivery part, we have been practicing our hypnobirthing pretty much every day which has been amazing! Adam has been a champ at reading relaxation scripts and recognizing when I need a little extra help through surges (hypnobirthing term for contractions). All of the practice has made me feel a lot more prepared for the labor and being able to deal with the pain naturally.

Are you working still?/Are you planning on continuing to work after the baby comes?
I am working still but my last day is this Thursday. I will then take off some time until the middle to end of October. After that, we've been able to work out Adam's schedule in a way that I will continue working part time and we will tag team with the baby. Luckily, his job allows him to work from home if needed. This will be the case until the end of the year. With the start of winter semester, Adam's schedule will be too crazy for me to work with so I will stay home with the baby :)

How's Adam handling everything?
Adam has been handling everything amazingly!! He has had SOOOO much to do with his master's project, co-teaching a course, helping his boss with research, training professors for BYU Online, and now he is beginning to prep for the course he teaches this fall. He is hoping the baby will come soon so that he won't have to miss too much school, especially the class he teaches. He is very excited for the baby to come and any time I have surges he always hopes that its real labor and watches the clock very closely just in case. He can't wait to see what our son will look like and be able to hold and play with him. He has been great at going to appointments, taking care of me, and being very involved with everything. I'm so grateful for him :) Also we recently found out he got a scholarship for this coming semester!!! Woop woop!! :)

Are you having any contractions or signs of labor?
I have been having surges more often and a few have been a bit more intense but they haven't been consistent at all. I could have them every 10 minutes for an hour but then they stop. Today I've had them maybe every 30 minutes to an hour. I've only had a couple that made me say "ow". I have also had some period-like cramping. I haven't noticed any other signs of labor except maybe a little nausea.

How are you sleeping? (usually paired with the lovely statement of "You better sleep now while you can!")
It could be better. I wake up every 2-3 hours to painfully change positions and sometimes go to the bathroom. So I am definitely getting prepared for waking up often with the baby. As for that statement I usually get, I wish I could sleep better now! Haha at least after the baby comes, when I do sleep it'll be a lot more comfortably :)

Hopefully this will be good update for you guys! Keep us in your prayers as baby boy gets closer to his arrival! :)

Summer update

Hi everyone!

I decided that I shouldn't wait too long to update everyone so that this post can stay relatively short :)

Things are going great for us! We just celebrated Fourth of July and along with that, Adam's 26th birthday :) I really wanted to make it special for him so most of it we (me and our friends Steven and Kayla) kept it a secret from him. It made it fun to have him try and guess what we were planning on doing. I was excited and only hoped being pregnant wouldn't get in the way too much. So the night of the 3rd we went camping up Hobble Creek canyon with our friends as well as Kayla's brother and his wife. It was fun staying up playing games and just talking. And miraculously I slept well! I was worried about sleeping on an air mattress but I slept great :) After we woke up, we went back home to make a proper gigantic breakfast with waffles, hashbrowns, eggs, bacon, etc. It was delicious :) Then we played the new Ticket To Ride Europe game I got Adam as a present for a bit before heading over to Kayla's brother's apartment complex to go swimming.

Boy did that feel nice! It was amazing to have my big belly feel weightless and it was great to cool off. I DEFINITELY want to go swimming more often for the rest of the pregnancy :) Then we went to dinner at Red Robin so Adam could get his free birthday burger before we headed to Stadium of Fire!

This was very cool because in both of our time at BYU, neither of us had been inside BYU's football stadium. Journey was headlining which made us even more excited because we knew quite a few of their songs. The fireworks were fun and the baby kicked to the beat of the music (maybe he'll be a drummer? haha). Walking to and from the stadium wasn't fun but I survived :) We ended the night with yummy ice cream cake!

Overall a great day and Adam thoroughly enjoyed his birthday :)

In other updates!
Adam has been working lots this summer which will be great for when the baby comes. Boy does he have A LOT on his plate. He has been helping his boss at BYU Online with a research paper she is working on, working on creating a new Humanities of Asia online course for his master's project, working on his prospectus for his project, and he just started co-teaching a BYU class about technology for education majors! All of this he does while taking excellent care of me running to the store to get certain foods I'm craving, helping me clean the house, and practicing our Hypnobirthing relaxation exercises. He is so amazing :) And as if I don't have enough to gloat about, he just found out that he just got chosen for a panel at an educational conference in Seattle next year!!! He will be presenting the work that he has been doing for his master's project :) This is a huge honor and will be an awesome resume builder. The professor that he is working with also said that she wants to turn this project into a paper to be published! For those who don't know, presenting at a conference and co-authoring a published paper are big things in academia :)

As for me (and baby boy as well), we're doing well. I am just continuing to work part time and prepare for baby's arrival. Third trimester is in full swing and it's hard to believe he could come in as little as a month! I'm adjusting to the changes in my body as much as I can which involves lots of putting my feet up and baths. We've been practicing the techniques we learned in our Hypnobirthing class a lot which has really helped with my anxiety as well as Braxton Hicks contractions. I can tell that my body is being trained and its easier every time to fully relax and get in that "zone" :) Baby is healthy and loves to kick and move. It's amazing how much he's grown!

We've now gotten to the point where we're going to prenatal appointments every other week. At our last appointment, I actually scheduled the rest of my appointments up to the due date! We've also got some of the big things like a car seat, stroller, pack and play, and a swing, which are all haphazard in our second bedroom. All of this is a bit surreal :)

We are enjoying our summer and so looking forward to meeting our son :)

<3 Ashley

Back to WA

This last week Adam and I took another trip to my hometown of Vancouver, Washington! We went back in March for my friend's wedding but we knew we wanted to go again before the baby came so we could see the things we weren't able to see in March. So here is how our trip went:

Day 1:
We drove to WA on Wednesday with my sister, Stephanie and my nearly 3 year old nephew. I was pretty nervous about how the drive would go with a toddler and me being much more pregnant than the last drive. Luckily my nephew did awesome so that turned out great :) I was really uncomfortable but we took lots of stops so that I could walk around. Unfortunately, the trip did not treat my feet very well. Starting with our drive there and through the whole week, my feet swelled up a ton. But we all got to town safe and sound :) We stopped by my parents' house before we went to my friend Chelsea's (the one who got married in March) place where we were staying. We were very excited to see everyone :)

Day 2:
Our first full day started out pretty low key with us going to meet my parents, Steph, and my grandma for lunch at the mall. Then we went to Lewisville, a big park north of Vancouver which lies along the Lewis river. I grew up going to this park and my mom went there as a teenager before that. I was really excited to show Adam because it has the essence of what I love about the NW, lots of tall evergreens and fresh air :) It was a warm day so we played in the grass and dipped our feet in the river. My other sister, Jessica met us up there after she got off work and then we all went to eat at Sweet Tomatoes.

Day 3:
Beach day! On Friday, Adam got to go to the beach for the fourth time in his life. We met my family at my parents' house and then caravan-ed to our first stop, the Tillamook factory! The last time I had been there was when I was super little and Adam had never been there. We got to see them make the most delicious cheese on Earth (in my opinion), taste the different kinds of cheese, and attempt to not buy everything in the little grocery area. We were able to leave with just a chocolate bar and a couple small blocks of cheese (smoked medium cheddar and garlic white cheddar, yum!).

Then we headed north on the 101 to Cannon Beach, OR. I was starving (as I usually am currently) so we started off by eating at my favorite pizza place, Pizza a Fetta. Delicious and one of the top 20 pizza places in the country! Then we went off to explore the shops. Adam and I particularly enjoyed the kite shop, the toy store, and the candy shop :) Then we all went out to the beach!

We had lots of fun looking at anemones, walking in the sand, and tossing the frisbee. I must say that walking in the sand when you're off balance by a pregnant belly is a very difficult (and funny looking) feat. We ended the evening by eating dinner at Seaside at a restaurant my family would often go to called Pig n' Pancake.

Day 4:
On Saturday, my friends Chelsea and Kendyl threw an adorable baby shower for me! It was so cute and I was amazed at how creative they were. The decorations and food were so amazing :)

I was so grateful for the family and friends that were able to come. We had fun playing silly games and everyone was so generous to our little boy. I was stunned by how crafty people's gifts were, like the blanket Chelsea crocheted and the crib bedding set my aunt Tanya made!

Both Adam and I felt so blessed :) Later that day, we went down to the Rose Garden in Portland! Adam had never seen it and coming during the Rose Festival is the perfect time to see them all in bloom.

So many different varieties in all colors, scents, shapes, and sizes! It was a very pretty day to go too :) Then we headed back to Vancouver to eat dinner at my favorite Thai place, Dok Koon (a mandatory stop whenever we visit).

Day 5:
On Sunday, we went to my home ward which is always a great experience. I love seeing all of the families that I knew growing up! The rest of the day we spent at my parents' house. I promptly fell asleep on the couch while everyone played in the backyard and dinner was made haha. Then, in the evening we had a campfire with roasting marshmallows :) we made s'mores with those fudge striped cookies and it was SO yummy! My uncle and his family came over for a visit as well, which was also fun. Its so crazy how my cousins are growing up, but then again I've grown up too haha!

Day 6:
The weather for the rest of the trip was overcast and rainy so we didn't do too much exploring. On Monday, I took Adam to visit the Pearson Air Museum. The museum has old planes and shows the history of the air base right next to Fort Vancouver and how it was used during all the different wars.

Adam, being a U.S. history buff, loved it and found it very fascinating. It was also fun for me to be back there because that was where I went to an LDS prom my senior year of high school :) After that, Chelsea, our friend Brittany, and I all went to get pedicures. It was fun to have some girl time with them :) The rest of the evening, we hung out with Chelsea and her husband Alex eating pizza and ice cream, playing games, and watching TV.

Day 7:
Tuesday, we went with Chelsea and Alex to one of our favorite stops in Portland, Powell's bookstore! I could spend hours in that place looking at everything. One of my favorite parts is the Rare Book Room where they have SUPER old books as well as first editions and autographed copies of books. I had fun trying to find the most expensive book they have. This time I found one for $24,000! We also went to eat at Henry's Tavern where they have delicious gorgonzola fries and HUGE burgers. I had a tasty macaroni and cheese burger! We ended our time in Portland by going to the ice cream shop, Salt and Straw. We had never been there but we have heard lots about their crazy flavors. We settled with relatively normal but very tasty kinds :) After that, we went back to Vancouver and I visited my friend Sarah! I'm always grateful that we've stayed in touch and we always make an effort to meet up when I come to visit. Then, that evening we went over to Chelsea's parents' house to watch the season premiere of one of our favorite shows. Her family all watches it so it is fun to watch with a big group and discuss it afterwards :) Afterwards, we went over to my parents' house to say goodbye and make plans for the next day.

Day 8:
The drive home! It was very long and I can definitely say that my nephew handled it better than I did haha. About 2/3 through I started feeling super hormonal and sick. I took some medicine and that helped. There was no helping my balloon feet though xP. Luckily, I don't have to work until Monday so I get lots of time to recuperate and put my feet up :)

In other updates, we are doing great! Adam is enjoying working on his Master's project and is actually sending a proposal in with his professor to present at a conference next year!! Presenting at a conference is a big deal in the academic field and it would be a great opportunity. We just finished our Hypnobirthing class, which was absolutely amazing! If anyone in Utah Valley is looking for a great birth class, I would definitely recommend Fiona's class (www.ihypnobirth.com). Baby is healthy and kicking up a storm and we just had another appointment today (along with my last blood test THANK GOODNESS!) :) I can't believe we have only three months until we meet our little boy!

<3 Ashley

Sometimes we're given more than we can handle

As most of you know by now, we are expecting our first child this summer. We are overjoyed by our little boy growing inside of me and looking forward to the new adventures it will bring. It has been a rough journey to get to this point but I thought I'd share our story in case it can help someone else.

I should begin by saying that I have an anxiety disorder. Not a whole lot of people know this but I find that it is therapeutic to be open and not embarrassed by this. I'm so grateful for friends and family that have opened up about their own struggles with anxiety and depression and I hope I can be a support to someone I know who may have trouble accepting this. 

I have had struggles with anxiety and panic attacks since high school. I especially struggled with anxiety when it came to anything related to doctors and medical interventions. Because of this, the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth scared me to death. So, after I got married, my plan was to get an education and career and hopefully later on I would want a baby bad enough to get past my fear. There have been times in my life where I've had a good handle on my anxiety and other times I have not. A year ago was one of those latter times

Right before graduation, I was presented with an opportunity to get a full time job in my field. I was finishing up my degree in psychology and in March, decided to take a job at a group home for little girls with serious behavior and mental health challenges. Nearly all of them had been confronted with abuse to some degree and struggled to cope with their trauma. I had worked with kids before through volunteering at the Utah State Hospital for two semesters and I thought that I could handle this job even though it might be stressful. I started training and then started working directly in the home. After one day, I was a mess. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks once I got home and didn't sleep at all that night knowing I would have to go back. Adam and friends of mine encouraged me that this may be something to get used to and that my anxiety would get better. However, it did not. I felt nauseous constantly, barely ate, and hardly slept. I kept pushing myself to keep going even though every part of me was buckling under the stress (I was also finishing classes at this time). Eventually, I decided that I couldn't live like this and decided to quit after just a few weeks.

I slowly began to feel better and get my life back on track to finish my degree. But I was now worried about my lack of job situation for after I graduated. I was scared of getting another job in my field and having all of that anxiety come back. So after graduation, I began to look for jobs both in and out of my area of study.

During this time, I got really depressed because my life plan was not working out. I loved studying psychology and using it in any way I could but I was worried I couldn't get myself under control enough to be any support to others. I interviewed at a few places and ended up getting a couple job offers.  One was a full time job as a case manager position working with people with physical and intellectual abilities and the other was a part-time secretary position with a mental health clinic. The first job was in my field although not exactly the population I wanted to work with but I took it anyways. Right after I accepted it, I got a bad feeling that I couldn't shake and then all of my anxiety came back. I ended up experiencing the same panic attacks, nausea, and sleeplessness that I had back in March. The next morning I called the place back and told them I would be unable to take the job and then I called and set up an appointment to start therapy. I felt so weak and defeated that I kept getting these opportunities and because of my anxiety, had to deny them. Luckily the secretary job was still available so I started working there in June and decided to take some time to get healthy before pursuing my career.

I loved this new job and the people I worked with but I still felt purposeless. People kept asking me what my plans were and I was so embarrassed that I had no idea. During all of this time, I became closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before and I learned to rely on him for peace and strength. But I still was troubled that I didn't know what my future held. Adam was finally in a job that he enjoyed and he had decided to attend BYU for grad school so at least that was figured out. But I was still in limbo. 

I decided to go to the temple on my own one day. While I was there I prayed that I could know what my purpose is and whether or not I should aim to get a full time job and prepare for grad school. Then, in that moment, I got the strongest prompting I've ever received. I felt a strong feeling that I needed to take this time to prepare to be a mom, not for a career and that I was supposed to get pregnant soon. That thought scared me initially but then I felt this immense sense of peace and the feeling that God understood my weaknesses and my struggles and that He would be with me every step of the way.

After I left the temple, I told Adam what happened. His first reaction was mostly "are you serious?!". He had mentioned about a year and a half after we got married that he was ready to have kids whenever I was but of course I wanted to wait. At this time, he couldn't imagine me changing my mind especially with the level of anxiety I had been having. But the peace I felt had stayed with me and I knew this was why my plan hadn't worked out. Since then, he has received promptings of his own that have confirmed our decision to start a family.

I continued therapy and worked on getting myself mentally prepared to get pregnant and make sure I had a better handle of my anxiety. Adam and I eventually got to the point where we felt we were ready to start trying and after a bit, we found out I was pregnant! I had prepared so much to get to that point, but I still had a lot of fear after I found out. I continued to pray and received a couple of wonderful priesthood blessings from Adam that reminded me of the feelings I felt in the temple. God knows me and my struggles. He understands that this will be one of the hardest things I have to do. But I am NOT meant to do this alone. I am meant to have this experience to grow closer to Him.

I sometimes wonder if I hadn't been so stubbornly against having children before I felt "ready", maybe I wouldn't have had to go through such awful experiences. I don't know. But I do know that if you would've told me a year ago that I would be pregnant now, I would've thought you were crazy. 

I am so grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for the strength, peace, and love I have felt from my Heavenly Father. I still have moments of doubt and fear, especially as people offer unsolicited advice, tell their birth horror stories, or repeatedly tell me "it's just going to get worse". (Hint to those speaking to any pregnant woman, with or without anxiety: please stay positive!) I have done a lot better though with handling the fear I have about pregnancy and birth through the support I received through therapy and the constant guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I know my story is unique to me but I hope someone can gain strength from it. It is ok to feel weak and it is ok to ask for help. We have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us better than anyone and knows our weaknesses. Sometimes we are given more than we can handle but that is ok. We are not meant to handle it on our own. Heavenly Father pushes us to make us stronger than we ever thought we could be. I know he has for me and will continue to do so throughout this pregnancy and my life.

I know that God lives and loves us. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we are not only redeemed of our sins but comforted in our weaknesses. I know that through the Holy Ghost we can feel that comfort and peace. We are never alone.

<3 Ashley

P.S. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression or any mental health issue, I encourage you to read "Like A Broken Vessel", a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland.

End of Adam's first year in grad school and baby updates!

So this week marks the end of Adam's second semester in graduate school! He has one more final due today but will be all done after that! I can't tell who's more excited for the summer, him or me haha. He has had a good semester this last winter although it's been tough balancing for him helping me with pregnancy stuff, work, classes, and preparing his master's project. At least now he won't have classes and homework (although he'll still have the rest of that stuff).

We have been so blessed by our Heavenly Father in how our work situations have been worked out. Adam's  digital humanities class that he teaches ends and he found out he was only going to work 10 hours a week with his BYU Online job. So we were quite worried about the decrease in pay right before the baby comes especially since he can work up to 40 hours a week during spring and summer terms. We kept faith that if Heavenly Father led us to become parents, He would help us provide for our baby and He definitely did! One thing after another worked out and he will be able to work 40 hours a week for both spring and summer terms with excellent pay!!! So Adam will work full time during spring term with BYU Online training a new professor, helping do data collection, and setting up a new section of IHum 202 for fall! And then in summer term, he will partly do that as well as co-teach a class about education and technology for secondary education :) we feel so blessed by everything working out so perfectly :)

We also found out a few weeks ago that our beautiful baby is a boy!! We are so excited to finally say "he" instead of "it", start collecting baby clothes, and pick out a name :) we have a couple names picked out but we're having a tough time deciding between them. It's tough naming a person! The ultrasound showed that everything is developing well and he's healthy. It was so cool seeing close ups of his brain and to see all the chambers of his heart pumping! He was breathing in amniotic fluid so his little mouth was opening up and his hand was waving at us. So cute!! 

He has also been growing big and kicking up a storm. Adam has even felt him a few times which is really exciting :) my belly is definitely getting bigger and my wardrobe is shrinking as this happens haha. 

11-15 weeks

16-20 weeks

22 weeks

With all of that comes other fun pregnancy symptoms like back and hip pain, but I invested in a pregnancy pillow which has really helped :) Also this last Saturday one of my best friends threw me an adorable baby shower! I was so grateful for the friends that were able to come and it was so fun :)

 Next week we will be starting a hypnobirthing class and we just hired a doula! It's hard to believe that we're now only 4 months away from meeting our little one!!

<3 Ashley