Some spiritual thoughts on parenting

Out of everything I've experienced in my life so far, parenting has taught me the most about our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Here's my most recent example.

Lately, Eli has been in a climbing phase. He will climb anything if he can get something high up. Today I found him on top of two big plastic bins that were stacked by the window sill (he climbed on the rocking chair and then on top of the bins). Needless to say, it freaked me out. He doesn't understand though. If I try to stop him or take him down, he gets upset. It has led me to wish that he would climb and then fall and hurt himself. Not badly, but enough so he would realize the danger he puts himself in.

When I first thought that, I felt like a horrible mom. How could I hope for my baby to get hurt? Then I realized that's exactly what Heavenly Father does. Just like Eli, we have our agency to listen or not to listen to directions. When He can't teach us the right way, maybe he waits for us to experience the danger directly by possibly getting hurt. Just because we experience something hard doesn't mean that He doesn't love us. Maybe we aren't listening. Maybe it is the only way for us to learn.

I'm so grateful for the spiritual things I learn from being a parent. It truly gives me a small glimpse into what Heavenly Father and Christ feel for us.

10 things that helped my postpartum depression

 

My therapist suggested I make a "how to recover from postpartum depression" for myself. When thinking about what has helped me, I thought that what I've learned might help others so I decided to share it here. I'd say that my PPD is currently in "remission". Like many physical diseases, issues with mental illness can come back if you don't take care of yourself. That is why it is so important to find what works for you and CONTINUE doing those things. These are what has helped me personally :)

1. Get professional help

I cannot stress this one enough! Just like if you were physically sick, you would go to the doctor and mental illness is no different. Both talk therapy and medications are extremely helpful in dealing with PPD. Some need just one, some combine them. I found that both were vital to my recovery. Medications can help with any hormone or neurotransmitter imbalances so you can feel better faster and therapy helps you learn skills to deal with daily challenges and readjust thought processes. There is nothing to be afraid of with either of these and you may not need them forever. But if you need them more long-term, there is no shame in that. Those with diabetes need insulin shots or those with hypertension need medications, right? Don't be afraid of doing what you can to stay mentally healthy!

2. Adjust expectations

This is something I am still working on. People will tell you so many different (and sometimes contradictory) things to help "prepare" you for parenthood. So much is trial and error with every child and every parent being different. I had certain expectations about breastfeeding, Eli sleeping in our room, and work that I had to adjust. It's ok to change your mind on things you felt strongly about. PPD affects and changes how you deal with parenthood. But change isn't bad. Even if it doesn't go with what people "normally" do. For example, Adam always gets up at night to help Eli. We found that he could go back to sleep easier and deal with less sleep better than I can. I've had a very difficult time not feeling guilty that I'm not having to be initiated into parenthood this way. But I know that I am a happier, better mom if I can get sleep and Adam is not negatively affected too much.

3. Find your passions

Think of things that make you happy and do them. For me, I tried to find things that helped me be a better mom or helped contribute that made me feel good. Some people are surprised that we cloth diaper but honestly I really enjoy it. Even doing the diaper laundry is extremely satisfying. I have been able to research and join groups to learn more about the laundry science and cloth diapers. One of my favorite sites is www.fluffloveuniversity.com. I know I'm weird ;) I also enjoy funny how to videos for moms. My favorite channel is What's Up Moms on YouTube. Whether it be cooking, sewing, child development, or whatever. Find things you love related to motherhood and learn more.

4. Accomplish at least 3 things a day

Whether it's doing dishes, going to the grocery store, or even just taking a shower, try to do at least 3 things a day. With PPD, sometimes it is extremely hard to do simple things like getting dressed for the day. But don't discount small victories. At the end of the day, I wrote down things I was proud of that I did or anything I did that was hard. It will show you daily that you can do hard things and even small improvement is improvement nonetheless.

5. Get a little exercise

Anyone who knows me would not consider me to be a fitness guru by any means. But getting active even a little bit was very helpful in my recovery. I would try to go on a short walk as often as I could. Most of the time I would do so while using my Baby Ktan carrier. Now I use a woven wrap that I can use for front and back carries Baby wearing is extremely beneficial for those suffering perinatal mood/anxiety disorders and it was extremely beneficial for me to help with bonding. I would take Eli out and show him things and talk with him as I walked. It helped me feel close to him while getting fresh air and moving my body a little.

6. Get a little sleep

Some people assume that sleep deprivation is not negotiable with parenthood. But with PPD, less sleep can actually make you worse. I'm not saying you have to get 8 hours a night or even the much used "nap while the baby naps". If you deal with postpartum anxiety like I did, sleeping even while the baby sleeps can be a huge struggle. Don't be afraid to ask for help! Whether it is a sleep aid from your doctor or having someone come over just in case the baby wakes up. For me, I couldn't nap while alone with Eli sleeping until recently. And at night I take medications and use ear plugs. Do what works for you but put getting a little more sleep as a priority.

7. Find positive mommy friends

It is so helpful to connect to people who are in similar situations. But sometimes it can turn into all complaining and commiserating which won't make you feel better. That's why it is so important to surround yourself with positivity. Yes, life isn't all happiness and sunshine but if you dwell on the things that are going wrong, that is all you'll see. I would get together once a week with some girls in my church congregation for a play group. They would listen and empathize with my struggles but also uplift me and show me how great motherhood can be. I always felt so much better after being with them.

8. Don't avoid hard things

This is especially important if you struggle with Postpartum Anxiety. Early on, I had a very difficult time taking care of Eli whenever I felt anxious or had panic attacks. Sometimes I would even run away to my bedroom to escape. But this only fuels the fear. My therapist suggested I hold Eli and continue take care of him in spite of any panic or anxiety I felt. The first time I had a panic attack with him was SO hard. All I wanted to do was walk away but staying showed me that fear doesn't have to hold me back. Slowly, the anxiety decreased and I am happy to say that I haven't had a panic attack in a couple months.

9. Take breaks

This may seem contrary to what I just said in #8 but its all about balance. Its ok to take breaks to have some time to yourself but that is different than escaping. It could be going and reading your favorite book or watching an episode of your favorite TV show. You could go out with a friend to do something fun or go on a date with your husband. Its not wrong to want time away from your baby. It can help you feel like you're still the same person since PPD can make you feel so different than normal. One thing that helped me was doing something helpful like folding laundry while watching a show and Adam took care of Eli. Also when I knew I struggled with the desire to escape, I would set time limits of how long I could take time to myself. This helped so I didn't take it too far and avoid spending time with Eli.

10. Trust in the Lord

 I struggled with this in the beginning because I felt so resentful. I knew that Heavenly Father had led us to have Eli but I was angry that it was so much harder than I expected. I started feeling better when I accepted that this was another opportunity for growth that He had given me. I also know that as long as we are trying our best, He makes up for what we lack. I know that I'm not a perfect parent but I am so grateful for His strength and assistance. Christ's atonement covers imperfect parenting. I know that if I trust in the Lord that I will be able to be a better mom than I would be on my own.

I hope these things are helpful to someone. If nothing else, this is a record of what helped me so I can look back on it when I need a boost. Everyone will deal with PPD in their own way but don't be ashamed of it. Fearlessly find what helps you be the best parent you can be.

Sometimes we're given more than we can handle

As most of you know by now, we are expecting our first child this summer. We are overjoyed by our little boy growing inside of me and looking forward to the new adventures it will bring. It has been a rough journey to get to this point but I thought I'd share our story in case it can help someone else.

I should begin by saying that I have an anxiety disorder. Not a whole lot of people know this but I find that it is therapeutic to be open and not embarrassed by this. I'm so grateful for friends and family that have opened up about their own struggles with anxiety and depression and I hope I can be a support to someone I know who may have trouble accepting this. 

I have had struggles with anxiety and panic attacks since high school. I especially struggled with anxiety when it came to anything related to doctors and medical interventions. Because of this, the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth scared me to death. So, after I got married, my plan was to get an education and career and hopefully later on I would want a baby bad enough to get past my fear. There have been times in my life where I've had a good handle on my anxiety and other times I have not. A year ago was one of those latter times

Right before graduation, I was presented with an opportunity to get a full time job in my field. I was finishing up my degree in psychology and in March, decided to take a job at a group home for little girls with serious behavior and mental health challenges. Nearly all of them had been confronted with abuse to some degree and struggled to cope with their trauma. I had worked with kids before through volunteering at the Utah State Hospital for two semesters and I thought that I could handle this job even though it might be stressful. I started training and then started working directly in the home. After one day, I was a mess. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks once I got home and didn't sleep at all that night knowing I would have to go back. Adam and friends of mine encouraged me that this may be something to get used to and that my anxiety would get better. However, it did not. I felt nauseous constantly, barely ate, and hardly slept. I kept pushing myself to keep going even though every part of me was buckling under the stress (I was also finishing classes at this time). Eventually, I decided that I couldn't live like this and decided to quit after just a few weeks.

I slowly began to feel better and get my life back on track to finish my degree. But I was now worried about my lack of job situation for after I graduated. I was scared of getting another job in my field and having all of that anxiety come back. So after graduation, I began to look for jobs both in and out of my area of study.

During this time, I got really depressed because my life plan was not working out. I loved studying psychology and using it in any way I could but I was worried I couldn't get myself under control enough to be any support to others. I interviewed at a few places and ended up getting a couple job offers.  One was a full time job as a case manager position working with people with physical and intellectual abilities and the other was a part-time secretary position with a mental health clinic. The first job was in my field although not exactly the population I wanted to work with but I took it anyways. Right after I accepted it, I got a bad feeling that I couldn't shake and then all of my anxiety came back. I ended up experiencing the same panic attacks, nausea, and sleeplessness that I had back in March. The next morning I called the place back and told them I would be unable to take the job and then I called and set up an appointment to start therapy. I felt so weak and defeated that I kept getting these opportunities and because of my anxiety, had to deny them. Luckily the secretary job was still available so I started working there in June and decided to take some time to get healthy before pursuing my career.

I loved this new job and the people I worked with but I still felt purposeless. People kept asking me what my plans were and I was so embarrassed that I had no idea. During all of this time, I became closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before and I learned to rely on him for peace and strength. But I still was troubled that I didn't know what my future held. Adam was finally in a job that he enjoyed and he had decided to attend BYU for grad school so at least that was figured out. But I was still in limbo. 

I decided to go to the temple on my own one day. While I was there I prayed that I could know what my purpose is and whether or not I should aim to get a full time job and prepare for grad school. Then, in that moment, I got the strongest prompting I've ever received. I felt a strong feeling that I needed to take this time to prepare to be a mom, not for a career and that I was supposed to get pregnant soon. That thought scared me initially but then I felt this immense sense of peace and the feeling that God understood my weaknesses and my struggles and that He would be with me every step of the way.

After I left the temple, I told Adam what happened. His first reaction was mostly "are you serious?!". He had mentioned about a year and a half after we got married that he was ready to have kids whenever I was but of course I wanted to wait. At this time, he couldn't imagine me changing my mind especially with the level of anxiety I had been having. But the peace I felt had stayed with me and I knew this was why my plan hadn't worked out. Since then, he has received promptings of his own that have confirmed our decision to start a family.

I continued therapy and worked on getting myself mentally prepared to get pregnant and make sure I had a better handle of my anxiety. Adam and I eventually got to the point where we felt we were ready to start trying and after a bit, we found out I was pregnant! I had prepared so much to get to that point, but I still had a lot of fear after I found out. I continued to pray and received a couple of wonderful priesthood blessings from Adam that reminded me of the feelings I felt in the temple. God knows me and my struggles. He understands that this will be one of the hardest things I have to do. But I am NOT meant to do this alone. I am meant to have this experience to grow closer to Him.

I sometimes wonder if I hadn't been so stubbornly against having children before I felt "ready", maybe I wouldn't have had to go through such awful experiences. I don't know. But I do know that if you would've told me a year ago that I would be pregnant now, I would've thought you were crazy. 

I am so grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for the strength, peace, and love I have felt from my Heavenly Father. I still have moments of doubt and fear, especially as people offer unsolicited advice, tell their birth horror stories, or repeatedly tell me "it's just going to get worse". (Hint to those speaking to any pregnant woman, with or without anxiety: please stay positive!) I have done a lot better though with handling the fear I have about pregnancy and birth through the support I received through therapy and the constant guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I know my story is unique to me but I hope someone can gain strength from it. It is ok to feel weak and it is ok to ask for help. We have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us better than anyone and knows our weaknesses. Sometimes we are given more than we can handle but that is ok. We are not meant to handle it on our own. Heavenly Father pushes us to make us stronger than we ever thought we could be. I know he has for me and will continue to do so throughout this pregnancy and my life.

I know that God lives and loves us. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we are not only redeemed of our sins but comforted in our weaknesses. I know that through the Holy Ghost we can feel that comfort and peace. We are never alone.

<3 Ashley

P.S. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression or any mental health issue, I encourage you to read "Like A Broken Vessel", a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland.

Temple Work and Other Matters

Hi everyone! This is Adam again.  I am here to give you my perspective on our trip and what we have done since then.  So... to begin:

The trip was a wonderful break from the normal life found here in Utah.  Prior to this trip, Ashley and I had not made a trip outside of Utah since January.  We both needed this trip.  It was a lot of fun to be around Ashley's family, which had all gathered for our nephew's baby blessing.  Ashley loved spending time with her new nephew.  In fact, Ashley and her mother were in what I considered a lighthearted competition to hold the new baby the most.

After going to Seattle, we returned to Vancouver where we got to spend a lot of time with Ashley's friends and visiting new places (or old places that Ashley remembered, whichever you prefer).  We also got to go visit the beach, which was really special for me, since I have only gone to the beach a few times and I have never spent a long time there and never in Summer.  It was a lot of fun, and a special day with just Ashley.

Ok, so moving on... we then returned to our home where we began our temple assignment.  Saturday was our first day and we were quite nervous when we got there.  Fortunately, there was a lot of willing assistance, and we had a great time.  It was a very spiritual experience.  Not only were we able to serve other people, which was a delightful experience, but it was also a chance to learn as well.  I am really looking forward to our shift each Saturday.

Salt Lake City Temple trip :)

hello again and happy father's day to our wonderful dads :)

So yesterday we got to do something super cool that I've always wanted to do..go to the Salt Lake temple!!

Adam hates driving up to Salt Lake and parking there so we decided to drive up to Sandy and take the Trax the rest of the way (reminiscent of those glory days of Adam as a missionary taking those England trains). 

I have taken the Trax twice before and every time I'm super scared that I'll end up in some random place and not know how to get back.

So we decided to go to the both Visitors' centers first which was nice because they weren't super busy (which almost never happens when I've gone in the past).

Then we went to find the entrance :) holy smokes there were a TON of brides!! Not gonna lie, it made me appreciate how there was only one other person getting married on the day that I did. Much less stress when everyone's not vying for good picture spots. Anyways, it was so cool inside!! Everything was so old and ornate! We went into four different rooms before going into the Celestial room and they were all gorgeous. The murals on the walls of three of the rooms were incredible. If you aren't able to go inside the Salt Lake temple, you gotta at least check out the South Visitors Center. They have a model of the temple that is cut out showing all of the rooms. I was amazed at how accurately they have everything in each of the rooms after seeing the inside. Like a little dollhouse :) and the Celestial room was of course gorgeous, so ornate and old. Also, for those who don't know, they do the endowment session differently in this temple. I'm pretty sure the only other temple that does it that way is the Manti temple. It was an incredible experience to see it done that way and I learned a lot. All in all, it was a great trip :)

-Ashley

Mt. Timpanogos Temple Trip

 

Hey this is Adam!

One of our goals is to take advantage of all the temples close by while we still live in Utah. So we decided to go to Mt. Timpanogos yesterday! Connected with this goal is a desire to document our travels. We had already been to this temple before but didn't get any good pictures. So we decided to go again :) But yesterday was SUPER windy, so we might not have gotten the best pictures anyway. Being in the temple was quite good though and overall we enjoyed our trip. We plan on visiting a lot of temples and we'll post more pictures when we do!