Sometimes we're given more than we can handle

As most of you know by now, we are expecting our first child this summer. We are overjoyed by our little boy growing inside of me and looking forward to the new adventures it will bring. It has been a rough journey to get to this point but I thought I'd share our story in case it can help someone else.

I should begin by saying that I have an anxiety disorder. Not a whole lot of people know this but I find that it is therapeutic to be open and not embarrassed by this. I'm so grateful for friends and family that have opened up about their own struggles with anxiety and depression and I hope I can be a support to someone I know who may have trouble accepting this. 

I have had struggles with anxiety and panic attacks since high school. I especially struggled with anxiety when it came to anything related to doctors and medical interventions. Because of this, the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth scared me to death. So, after I got married, my plan was to get an education and career and hopefully later on I would want a baby bad enough to get past my fear. There have been times in my life where I've had a good handle on my anxiety and other times I have not. A year ago was one of those latter times

Right before graduation, I was presented with an opportunity to get a full time job in my field. I was finishing up my degree in psychology and in March, decided to take a job at a group home for little girls with serious behavior and mental health challenges. Nearly all of them had been confronted with abuse to some degree and struggled to cope with their trauma. I had worked with kids before through volunteering at the Utah State Hospital for two semesters and I thought that I could handle this job even though it might be stressful. I started training and then started working directly in the home. After one day, I was a mess. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks once I got home and didn't sleep at all that night knowing I would have to go back. Adam and friends of mine encouraged me that this may be something to get used to and that my anxiety would get better. However, it did not. I felt nauseous constantly, barely ate, and hardly slept. I kept pushing myself to keep going even though every part of me was buckling under the stress (I was also finishing classes at this time). Eventually, I decided that I couldn't live like this and decided to quit after just a few weeks.

I slowly began to feel better and get my life back on track to finish my degree. But I was now worried about my lack of job situation for after I graduated. I was scared of getting another job in my field and having all of that anxiety come back. So after graduation, I began to look for jobs both in and out of my area of study.

During this time, I got really depressed because my life plan was not working out. I loved studying psychology and using it in any way I could but I was worried I couldn't get myself under control enough to be any support to others. I interviewed at a few places and ended up getting a couple job offers.  One was a full time job as a case manager position working with people with physical and intellectual abilities and the other was a part-time secretary position with a mental health clinic. The first job was in my field although not exactly the population I wanted to work with but I took it anyways. Right after I accepted it, I got a bad feeling that I couldn't shake and then all of my anxiety came back. I ended up experiencing the same panic attacks, nausea, and sleeplessness that I had back in March. The next morning I called the place back and told them I would be unable to take the job and then I called and set up an appointment to start therapy. I felt so weak and defeated that I kept getting these opportunities and because of my anxiety, had to deny them. Luckily the secretary job was still available so I started working there in June and decided to take some time to get healthy before pursuing my career.

I loved this new job and the people I worked with but I still felt purposeless. People kept asking me what my plans were and I was so embarrassed that I had no idea. During all of this time, I became closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before and I learned to rely on him for peace and strength. But I still was troubled that I didn't know what my future held. Adam was finally in a job that he enjoyed and he had decided to attend BYU for grad school so at least that was figured out. But I was still in limbo. 

I decided to go to the temple on my own one day. While I was there I prayed that I could know what my purpose is and whether or not I should aim to get a full time job and prepare for grad school. Then, in that moment, I got the strongest prompting I've ever received. I felt a strong feeling that I needed to take this time to prepare to be a mom, not for a career and that I was supposed to get pregnant soon. That thought scared me initially but then I felt this immense sense of peace and the feeling that God understood my weaknesses and my struggles and that He would be with me every step of the way.

After I left the temple, I told Adam what happened. His first reaction was mostly "are you serious?!". He had mentioned about a year and a half after we got married that he was ready to have kids whenever I was but of course I wanted to wait. At this time, he couldn't imagine me changing my mind especially with the level of anxiety I had been having. But the peace I felt had stayed with me and I knew this was why my plan hadn't worked out. Since then, he has received promptings of his own that have confirmed our decision to start a family.

I continued therapy and worked on getting myself mentally prepared to get pregnant and make sure I had a better handle of my anxiety. Adam and I eventually got to the point where we felt we were ready to start trying and after a bit, we found out I was pregnant! I had prepared so much to get to that point, but I still had a lot of fear after I found out. I continued to pray and received a couple of wonderful priesthood blessings from Adam that reminded me of the feelings I felt in the temple. God knows me and my struggles. He understands that this will be one of the hardest things I have to do. But I am NOT meant to do this alone. I am meant to have this experience to grow closer to Him.

I sometimes wonder if I hadn't been so stubbornly against having children before I felt "ready", maybe I wouldn't have had to go through such awful experiences. I don't know. But I do know that if you would've told me a year ago that I would be pregnant now, I would've thought you were crazy. 

I am so grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for the strength, peace, and love I have felt from my Heavenly Father. I still have moments of doubt and fear, especially as people offer unsolicited advice, tell their birth horror stories, or repeatedly tell me "it's just going to get worse". (Hint to those speaking to any pregnant woman, with or without anxiety: please stay positive!) I have done a lot better though with handling the fear I have about pregnancy and birth through the support I received through therapy and the constant guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I know my story is unique to me but I hope someone can gain strength from it. It is ok to feel weak and it is ok to ask for help. We have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us better than anyone and knows our weaknesses. Sometimes we are given more than we can handle but that is ok. We are not meant to handle it on our own. Heavenly Father pushes us to make us stronger than we ever thought we could be. I know he has for me and will continue to do so throughout this pregnancy and my life.

I know that God lives and loves us. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we are not only redeemed of our sins but comforted in our weaknesses. I know that through the Holy Ghost we can feel that comfort and peace. We are never alone.

<3 Ashley

P.S. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression or any mental health issue, I encourage you to read "Like A Broken Vessel", a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland.