An open and honest post about Postpartum Depression

I know that a lot of trials and issues people deal with are kept private but I believe that in order to get support from others, you have to be open yourself. Often people don't feel like they can talk about things unless someone opens up first so that's what I'm doing now.

I've been open before about my issues with anxiety and panic disorders. Because of this my midwives knew that I was at risk for postpartum depression. I knew I'd probably have anxiety but I've never dealt with clinical depression so I didn't think that it would be too big of a problem. Boy was I wrong. About 4 days after Eli was born, the depression hit hard. I broke down and admitted to myself and Adam that it was severe. Due to having some suicidal thoughts, we decided to take me to the emergency room. After getting a couple bags of IV fluids (I was severely dehydrated) and talking to a crisis worker, I decided it would be better for my recovery to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. I felt very guilty about this but I knew that in order for me to better take care of Eli, I had to allow myself to recover which required allowing others to help. I have received SO much support from my family and my ward family. However, it is still hard.

I've made improvements in the last couple weeks and have more good days than bad. It is hard when I have bad moments. It is hard not to feel like I'm regressing when I have a panic attack and need Adam to take care of Eli. It's hard not to feel like a bad mom when I have times where I don't feel bonded with my baby. It is hard to fear those dark thoughts returning and sinking back into that hole of depression. But there have been things that have helped.

Postpartum depression is an illness. Those hard things I'm dealing with are symptoms and not me. Bonding takes time but it will come. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be strengthened through this. I am never alone. I once said in this blog that sometimes we are given more than we can handle. But we are not meant to handle it alone. Through the help of the Spirit, angels (both mortal and heavenly), and treatment from trained professionals, I will get better. I'm at the beginning of a long road but there will be an end.

If anyone has dealt with or is dealing with postpartum depression/anxiety, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to receive support from you but more importantly, I would love to support you. We are not alone in any trial.

Thank you to all those who have provided us so much service in the last month. We will never be able to fully express to you our gratitude for everything anyone has done for us. Thank you :)