My Postpartum With Wesley

Now that it’s three months since I had Wesley, I should finally get around to writing about my postpartum recovery which I was meaning to do!

In the hospital: After giving birth, I was so relieved but also my muscles were super sore. Luckily I had the after baby high for a bit but when that wore off, my body ached. My sweet nurse offered to draw me a bath to help relax the soreness and oh my gosh that was the BEST IDEA EVER! I felt so much better afterwards. One thing about doing it unmedicated was that my recovery was so much easier! I could walk around easily and no spinal headache like I had with Eli. We were even thinking about leaving the hospital earlier than the usual 48 hours but I’m glad we didn’t. It gave Wesley a little bit more time to adjust and I got some more breastfeeding support. So we stayed Saturday night and Sunday night. Monday morning, I woke up to my milk having come in very strongly. With a nipple shield and a hand pump, we were able to at least relieve me a bit. I did have some trouble with anxiety on Saturday and I think that was a bit exacerbated by my milk coming in.

At home: The first week was quite hellish. I have figured out that my body does NOT react well to the abrupt change in hormones after having a baby. I did not know what to expect when I had Eli so I crashed and burned because of it. Luckily, this time I just slipped and fell a bit. I struggled with anxiety and I could almost feel the hormones in my body causing it. It led to me struggling to sleep even when circumstances allowed me to. This also made my anxiety get worse. I went to my OB office and they gave me some medicine to help cope which it did but only after a few days. The anxiety peaked Thursday night when I was up all night long having panic attack after panic attack. It was like my body was on overload and would not calm down. This led to depression starting to creep in along with bad thoughts which scared me but because of Eli, I wasn’t taken off guard. When morning came, we decided to take me to the ER so that I could reset. I talked with a counselor and they gave me some stronger medicine there that would help me sleep right away. I was able to sleep for 6 hours straight while my angel mom, husband, and aunt helped take care of the boys. This reset plus the other medicine starting to work helped me feel better. Also the hormones leveling out probably made the biggest difference. 

Overall, this time was a ton better than with Eli. I was able to catch things earlier, had extra help with Adam off work and my mom staying with us, and I was able to have a better perspective on things. With Eli, it surprised and scared me to feel so out of control which made the depression worse. Plus I didn’t have as much help and Adam wasn’t prepared for it. This time around, I knew that my body was going through major changes so I didn’t expect to feel like myself. Mostly I just needed to find a way to calm my body down so it didn’t react as if the house was on fire. I only needed to take something to help me sleep for a few days until things got better. Even though postpartum is difficult no matter what, I think I can safely say I haven’t had postpartum depression this time! I am so glad because it has allowed for me to bond with Wesley better and establish breastfeeding. Hopefully, I will be able to use these tools to have an even better time with any future babies! Even if my body seems to be allergic to postpartum hormones haha

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June Update

Here is what our June looked like!

Adam: He is SOOOO close to finishing his prospectus. He only has to add a couple more things and then it is done! The next step after that is for him to defend it. Hopefully, they will approve this project he has already been working on for the last year. If they don't approve it, he has to find something else quickly. But if they do, he will finish the project and do his last defense in December and then graduate!!

Ashley: The biggest thing I've been working on this month was the Climb Out of the Darkness event which you can read about below. Other than that my days have consisted mostly of taking care of the house and Eli, which is a handful haha. I have also been experimenting with making homemade puffs which has been fun but unsuccessful so far. I also finished my application to become a Volunteer Babywearing Educator for Babywearing International. Hopefully, I'll be able to do my practical skills assessment some time in July.

Eli: He is 10 months old!! This last month he got his second tooth in and we're pretty sure he started working on his next one (and still is working on it xP). He is still very social but occasionally gets a little shy around new people. The shyness usually consists of shyly smiling and cuddling mommy. He has enjoyed lots of summer water activities such as friends' swimming pools, the local rec center, and the local splash pad. He is very adventurous with water and always wants to just dive in head first haha. He is still not a huge fan of solids but he does enjoy puffs and cheerios. His favorite activities are climbing on anything (especially mommy and daddy), holding onto our hands and walking around the house, and playing with things he shouldn't.

(from left to right) playing with toys at the library, biting a sling ring (used in babywearing), baby selfie!, and playing with cousin Anders

Climb Out of the Darkness is an annual event put on by the non-profit organization Postpartum Progress some time around the summer solstice. The purpose is to raise awareness for maternal mental health and to symbolize the journey those who suffer take. They hold individual climbs all around the world and I ended up leading the one in Provo this year! So I worked on spreading the word about the event and (attempting to) raise money. Then on June 18th, moms and their families and friends met at a park up Provo Canyon for a short hike to Bridal Veil Falls. I was really happy with the turn out! I was really nervous it wouldn't seem put together enough but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves :) I don't know if I will lead again next year if we are still in Provo, but it was a fun experience :)

A Letter to Postpartum Depression

First off, you're a monster. You turned my life upside down right when it was supposed to be one of the happiest of times. Because of you, my husband had one of the hardest semesters ever and you put him behind on his thesis. You made him fear for my life. I wanted to appreciate the newborn stage of my son so badly but you robbed me of any joy I might have felt. Sometimes when I see other newborns, I try to remember when Eli was that little and I struggle through the haze. It's like you stole the memories of the first couple months of his life. I look at the few pictures I took then and can barely remember what it was like to hold him and interact with him. You sucked the life out of me during that time making my friends and family watch me turn into a shell of the person I was.

But in the end, I won. You fought hard but I fought harder. Because of you, I'm stronger than ever. When you tried to hurt my relationship with my husband, it didn't work. Instead my love grew exponentially as I watched him get extra special bonding time with our son. You thought you could ruin my relationship with my son, but I am bonded with him in spite of your efforts and I love him more than ever. I also got the opportunity to build strong friendships with so many people who served me in fighting you off. Because of this experience, I am now able to support others as they fight their own battle with you. Before you turned your evil head on me, I still struggled some with anxiety. But in order to build my strength for the battle, I learned more on how I can sustain my mental health so I can feel better than I ever have. I will never let you beat me. In the end, I can thank you for making me a Warrior Mom.

In your face,

Ashley

10 things that helped my postpartum depression

 

My therapist suggested I make a "how to recover from postpartum depression" for myself. When thinking about what has helped me, I thought that what I've learned might help others so I decided to share it here. I'd say that my PPD is currently in "remission". Like many physical diseases, issues with mental illness can come back if you don't take care of yourself. That is why it is so important to find what works for you and CONTINUE doing those things. These are what has helped me personally :)

1. Get professional help

I cannot stress this one enough! Just like if you were physically sick, you would go to the doctor and mental illness is no different. Both talk therapy and medications are extremely helpful in dealing with PPD. Some need just one, some combine them. I found that both were vital to my recovery. Medications can help with any hormone or neurotransmitter imbalances so you can feel better faster and therapy helps you learn skills to deal with daily challenges and readjust thought processes. There is nothing to be afraid of with either of these and you may not need them forever. But if you need them more long-term, there is no shame in that. Those with diabetes need insulin shots or those with hypertension need medications, right? Don't be afraid of doing what you can to stay mentally healthy!

2. Adjust expectations

This is something I am still working on. People will tell you so many different (and sometimes contradictory) things to help "prepare" you for parenthood. So much is trial and error with every child and every parent being different. I had certain expectations about breastfeeding, Eli sleeping in our room, and work that I had to adjust. It's ok to change your mind on things you felt strongly about. PPD affects and changes how you deal with parenthood. But change isn't bad. Even if it doesn't go with what people "normally" do. For example, Adam always gets up at night to help Eli. We found that he could go back to sleep easier and deal with less sleep better than I can. I've had a very difficult time not feeling guilty that I'm not having to be initiated into parenthood this way. But I know that I am a happier, better mom if I can get sleep and Adam is not negatively affected too much.

3. Find your passions

Think of things that make you happy and do them. For me, I tried to find things that helped me be a better mom or helped contribute that made me feel good. Some people are surprised that we cloth diaper but honestly I really enjoy it. Even doing the diaper laundry is extremely satisfying. I have been able to research and join groups to learn more about the laundry science and cloth diapers. One of my favorite sites is www.fluffloveuniversity.com. I know I'm weird ;) I also enjoy funny how to videos for moms. My favorite channel is What's Up Moms on YouTube. Whether it be cooking, sewing, child development, or whatever. Find things you love related to motherhood and learn more.

4. Accomplish at least 3 things a day

Whether it's doing dishes, going to the grocery store, or even just taking a shower, try to do at least 3 things a day. With PPD, sometimes it is extremely hard to do simple things like getting dressed for the day. But don't discount small victories. At the end of the day, I wrote down things I was proud of that I did or anything I did that was hard. It will show you daily that you can do hard things and even small improvement is improvement nonetheless.

5. Get a little exercise

Anyone who knows me would not consider me to be a fitness guru by any means. But getting active even a little bit was very helpful in my recovery. I would try to go on a short walk as often as I could. Most of the time I would do so while using my Baby Ktan carrier. Now I use a woven wrap that I can use for front and back carries Baby wearing is extremely beneficial for those suffering perinatal mood/anxiety disorders and it was extremely beneficial for me to help with bonding. I would take Eli out and show him things and talk with him as I walked. It helped me feel close to him while getting fresh air and moving my body a little.

6. Get a little sleep

Some people assume that sleep deprivation is not negotiable with parenthood. But with PPD, less sleep can actually make you worse. I'm not saying you have to get 8 hours a night or even the much used "nap while the baby naps". If you deal with postpartum anxiety like I did, sleeping even while the baby sleeps can be a huge struggle. Don't be afraid to ask for help! Whether it is a sleep aid from your doctor or having someone come over just in case the baby wakes up. For me, I couldn't nap while alone with Eli sleeping until recently. And at night I take medications and use ear plugs. Do what works for you but put getting a little more sleep as a priority.

7. Find positive mommy friends

It is so helpful to connect to people who are in similar situations. But sometimes it can turn into all complaining and commiserating which won't make you feel better. That's why it is so important to surround yourself with positivity. Yes, life isn't all happiness and sunshine but if you dwell on the things that are going wrong, that is all you'll see. I would get together once a week with some girls in my church congregation for a play group. They would listen and empathize with my struggles but also uplift me and show me how great motherhood can be. I always felt so much better after being with them.

8. Don't avoid hard things

This is especially important if you struggle with Postpartum Anxiety. Early on, I had a very difficult time taking care of Eli whenever I felt anxious or had panic attacks. Sometimes I would even run away to my bedroom to escape. But this only fuels the fear. My therapist suggested I hold Eli and continue take care of him in spite of any panic or anxiety I felt. The first time I had a panic attack with him was SO hard. All I wanted to do was walk away but staying showed me that fear doesn't have to hold me back. Slowly, the anxiety decreased and I am happy to say that I haven't had a panic attack in a couple months.

9. Take breaks

This may seem contrary to what I just said in #8 but its all about balance. Its ok to take breaks to have some time to yourself but that is different than escaping. It could be going and reading your favorite book or watching an episode of your favorite TV show. You could go out with a friend to do something fun or go on a date with your husband. Its not wrong to want time away from your baby. It can help you feel like you're still the same person since PPD can make you feel so different than normal. One thing that helped me was doing something helpful like folding laundry while watching a show and Adam took care of Eli. Also when I knew I struggled with the desire to escape, I would set time limits of how long I could take time to myself. This helped so I didn't take it too far and avoid spending time with Eli.

10. Trust in the Lord

 I struggled with this in the beginning because I felt so resentful. I knew that Heavenly Father had led us to have Eli but I was angry that it was so much harder than I expected. I started feeling better when I accepted that this was another opportunity for growth that He had given me. I also know that as long as we are trying our best, He makes up for what we lack. I know that I'm not a perfect parent but I am so grateful for His strength and assistance. Christ's atonement covers imperfect parenting. I know that if I trust in the Lord that I will be able to be a better mom than I would be on my own.

I hope these things are helpful to someone. If nothing else, this is a record of what helped me so I can look back on it when I need a boost. Everyone will deal with PPD in their own way but don't be ashamed of it. Fearlessly find what helps you be the best parent you can be.

The Love Comes: Continuing my journey of postpartum depresion

I had a really great response to my first post on postpartum depression so I thought to document how I've been doing lately. I hope that by me being open others will be encouraged to seek help. One of my biggest pet peeves is stigma with mental health so if I can help educate people in my little sphere, that is what I want to do.

First off, I am doing a lot better. I am not completely 100% back to normal but every week gets better. The first month postpartum, I struggled with suicidal thoughts occasionally. I am happy to say that it has been quite awhile since I have had any such thoughts. I have been going to therapy consistently and have adjusted my medications a couple times hoping to get the right balance and improvement. In therapy, I have been practicing recognizing when negative thought patterns begin and stopping them. I try harder to celebrate the little victories.

One thing I initially struggled with was bonding with Eli. I should first say that difficulty bonding is not the main indication of PPD. You can still be experiencing PPD without it. But for my journey, that was one of the symptoms. After Eli was born, I felt a strange disconnect between him and the baby I had carried inside me. It seemed too surreal that he could be that baby. Although it helped in the long-term, I struggled to come to terms with quitting breastfeeding. I felt unnecessary in my baby's life because anyone could take care of him. I also felt a bit of resentment towards him for putting me through this. That made me feel really guilty because I knew it wasn't his fault or mine. But the love came. One night I was struggling with guilt because I didn't feel like I loved Eli like a mother should because I enjoyed my time away from him so much. Adam asked me how I would feel if Eli was taken from me now having known him. I started crying realizing that I couldn't bear the thought of not having my little boy in my life. I had been too caught up with how a mother's love was supposed to be, ignoring what I felt. Now, I take note of the little moments in motherhood that I feel that love.

Also, Adam and I made the decision for me to leave work earlier than we planned. Originally, I was going to work until January but it was getting difficult for Adam to juggle his work and school responsibilities with taking care of Eli while I work. So, we decided that I should reduce my work hours now and end the first week of December. Whenever I thought of being a stay-at-home mom in January, I always felt fear. I worried that my PPD would get worse. However, after prayerfully deciding to leave earlier, I felt peace. I knew that Heavenly Father would help me if I made an effort to focus more on Eli. In my last days of working, I've tried harder to enjoy the time I have with Eli, rather than always looking forward to my next work shift. That has definitely made a difference.

I still struggle with times of feeling down or overwhelmed, but it is getting better. I know I am not alone in dealing with this and I am so grateful for all of the support I have received from my family and friends. Thank you!

An open and honest post about Postpartum Depression

I know that a lot of trials and issues people deal with are kept private but I believe that in order to get support from others, you have to be open yourself. Often people don't feel like they can talk about things unless someone opens up first so that's what I'm doing now.

I've been open before about my issues with anxiety and panic disorders. Because of this my midwives knew that I was at risk for postpartum depression. I knew I'd probably have anxiety but I've never dealt with clinical depression so I didn't think that it would be too big of a problem. Boy was I wrong. About 4 days after Eli was born, the depression hit hard. I broke down and admitted to myself and Adam that it was severe. Due to having some suicidal thoughts, we decided to take me to the emergency room. After getting a couple bags of IV fluids (I was severely dehydrated) and talking to a crisis worker, I decided it would be better for my recovery to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. I felt very guilty about this but I knew that in order for me to better take care of Eli, I had to allow myself to recover which required allowing others to help. I have received SO much support from my family and my ward family. However, it is still hard.

I've made improvements in the last couple weeks and have more good days than bad. It is hard when I have bad moments. It is hard not to feel like I'm regressing when I have a panic attack and need Adam to take care of Eli. It's hard not to feel like a bad mom when I have times where I don't feel bonded with my baby. It is hard to fear those dark thoughts returning and sinking back into that hole of depression. But there have been things that have helped.

Postpartum depression is an illness. Those hard things I'm dealing with are symptoms and not me. Bonding takes time but it will come. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be strengthened through this. I am never alone. I once said in this blog that sometimes we are given more than we can handle. But we are not meant to handle it alone. Through the help of the Spirit, angels (both mortal and heavenly), and treatment from trained professionals, I will get better. I'm at the beginning of a long road but there will be an end.

If anyone has dealt with or is dealing with postpartum depression/anxiety, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to receive support from you but more importantly, I would love to support you. We are not alone in any trial.

Thank you to all those who have provided us so much service in the last month. We will never be able to fully express to you our gratitude for everything anyone has done for us. Thank you :)