A Letter to Postpartum Depression

First off, you're a monster. You turned my life upside down right when it was supposed to be one of the happiest of times. Because of you, my husband had one of the hardest semesters ever and you put him behind on his thesis. You made him fear for my life. I wanted to appreciate the newborn stage of my son so badly but you robbed me of any joy I might have felt. Sometimes when I see other newborns, I try to remember when Eli was that little and I struggle through the haze. It's like you stole the memories of the first couple months of his life. I look at the few pictures I took then and can barely remember what it was like to hold him and interact with him. You sucked the life out of me during that time making my friends and family watch me turn into a shell of the person I was.

But in the end, I won. You fought hard but I fought harder. Because of you, I'm stronger than ever. When you tried to hurt my relationship with my husband, it didn't work. Instead my love grew exponentially as I watched him get extra special bonding time with our son. You thought you could ruin my relationship with my son, but I am bonded with him in spite of your efforts and I love him more than ever. I also got the opportunity to build strong friendships with so many people who served me in fighting you off. Because of this experience, I am now able to support others as they fight their own battle with you. Before you turned your evil head on me, I still struggled some with anxiety. But in order to build my strength for the battle, I learned more on how I can sustain my mental health so I can feel better than I ever have. I will never let you beat me. In the end, I can thank you for making me a Warrior Mom.

In your face,

Ashley

10 things that helped my postpartum depression

 

My therapist suggested I make a "how to recover from postpartum depression" for myself. When thinking about what has helped me, I thought that what I've learned might help others so I decided to share it here. I'd say that my PPD is currently in "remission". Like many physical diseases, issues with mental illness can come back if you don't take care of yourself. That is why it is so important to find what works for you and CONTINUE doing those things. These are what has helped me personally :)

1. Get professional help

I cannot stress this one enough! Just like if you were physically sick, you would go to the doctor and mental illness is no different. Both talk therapy and medications are extremely helpful in dealing with PPD. Some need just one, some combine them. I found that both were vital to my recovery. Medications can help with any hormone or neurotransmitter imbalances so you can feel better faster and therapy helps you learn skills to deal with daily challenges and readjust thought processes. There is nothing to be afraid of with either of these and you may not need them forever. But if you need them more long-term, there is no shame in that. Those with diabetes need insulin shots or those with hypertension need medications, right? Don't be afraid of doing what you can to stay mentally healthy!

2. Adjust expectations

This is something I am still working on. People will tell you so many different (and sometimes contradictory) things to help "prepare" you for parenthood. So much is trial and error with every child and every parent being different. I had certain expectations about breastfeeding, Eli sleeping in our room, and work that I had to adjust. It's ok to change your mind on things you felt strongly about. PPD affects and changes how you deal with parenthood. But change isn't bad. Even if it doesn't go with what people "normally" do. For example, Adam always gets up at night to help Eli. We found that he could go back to sleep easier and deal with less sleep better than I can. I've had a very difficult time not feeling guilty that I'm not having to be initiated into parenthood this way. But I know that I am a happier, better mom if I can get sleep and Adam is not negatively affected too much.

3. Find your passions

Think of things that make you happy and do them. For me, I tried to find things that helped me be a better mom or helped contribute that made me feel good. Some people are surprised that we cloth diaper but honestly I really enjoy it. Even doing the diaper laundry is extremely satisfying. I have been able to research and join groups to learn more about the laundry science and cloth diapers. One of my favorite sites is www.fluffloveuniversity.com. I know I'm weird ;) I also enjoy funny how to videos for moms. My favorite channel is What's Up Moms on YouTube. Whether it be cooking, sewing, child development, or whatever. Find things you love related to motherhood and learn more.

4. Accomplish at least 3 things a day

Whether it's doing dishes, going to the grocery store, or even just taking a shower, try to do at least 3 things a day. With PPD, sometimes it is extremely hard to do simple things like getting dressed for the day. But don't discount small victories. At the end of the day, I wrote down things I was proud of that I did or anything I did that was hard. It will show you daily that you can do hard things and even small improvement is improvement nonetheless.

5. Get a little exercise

Anyone who knows me would not consider me to be a fitness guru by any means. But getting active even a little bit was very helpful in my recovery. I would try to go on a short walk as often as I could. Most of the time I would do so while using my Baby Ktan carrier. Now I use a woven wrap that I can use for front and back carries Baby wearing is extremely beneficial for those suffering perinatal mood/anxiety disorders and it was extremely beneficial for me to help with bonding. I would take Eli out and show him things and talk with him as I walked. It helped me feel close to him while getting fresh air and moving my body a little.

6. Get a little sleep

Some people assume that sleep deprivation is not negotiable with parenthood. But with PPD, less sleep can actually make you worse. I'm not saying you have to get 8 hours a night or even the much used "nap while the baby naps". If you deal with postpartum anxiety like I did, sleeping even while the baby sleeps can be a huge struggle. Don't be afraid to ask for help! Whether it is a sleep aid from your doctor or having someone come over just in case the baby wakes up. For me, I couldn't nap while alone with Eli sleeping until recently. And at night I take medications and use ear plugs. Do what works for you but put getting a little more sleep as a priority.

7. Find positive mommy friends

It is so helpful to connect to people who are in similar situations. But sometimes it can turn into all complaining and commiserating which won't make you feel better. That's why it is so important to surround yourself with positivity. Yes, life isn't all happiness and sunshine but if you dwell on the things that are going wrong, that is all you'll see. I would get together once a week with some girls in my church congregation for a play group. They would listen and empathize with my struggles but also uplift me and show me how great motherhood can be. I always felt so much better after being with them.

8. Don't avoid hard things

This is especially important if you struggle with Postpartum Anxiety. Early on, I had a very difficult time taking care of Eli whenever I felt anxious or had panic attacks. Sometimes I would even run away to my bedroom to escape. But this only fuels the fear. My therapist suggested I hold Eli and continue take care of him in spite of any panic or anxiety I felt. The first time I had a panic attack with him was SO hard. All I wanted to do was walk away but staying showed me that fear doesn't have to hold me back. Slowly, the anxiety decreased and I am happy to say that I haven't had a panic attack in a couple months.

9. Take breaks

This may seem contrary to what I just said in #8 but its all about balance. Its ok to take breaks to have some time to yourself but that is different than escaping. It could be going and reading your favorite book or watching an episode of your favorite TV show. You could go out with a friend to do something fun or go on a date with your husband. Its not wrong to want time away from your baby. It can help you feel like you're still the same person since PPD can make you feel so different than normal. One thing that helped me was doing something helpful like folding laundry while watching a show and Adam took care of Eli. Also when I knew I struggled with the desire to escape, I would set time limits of how long I could take time to myself. This helped so I didn't take it too far and avoid spending time with Eli.

10. Trust in the Lord

 I struggled with this in the beginning because I felt so resentful. I knew that Heavenly Father had led us to have Eli but I was angry that it was so much harder than I expected. I started feeling better when I accepted that this was another opportunity for growth that He had given me. I also know that as long as we are trying our best, He makes up for what we lack. I know that I'm not a perfect parent but I am so grateful for His strength and assistance. Christ's atonement covers imperfect parenting. I know that if I trust in the Lord that I will be able to be a better mom than I would be on my own.

I hope these things are helpful to someone. If nothing else, this is a record of what helped me so I can look back on it when I need a boost. Everyone will deal with PPD in their own way but don't be ashamed of it. Fearlessly find what helps you be the best parent you can be.

The Love Comes: Continuing my journey of postpartum depresion

I had a really great response to my first post on postpartum depression so I thought to document how I've been doing lately. I hope that by me being open others will be encouraged to seek help. One of my biggest pet peeves is stigma with mental health so if I can help educate people in my little sphere, that is what I want to do.

First off, I am doing a lot better. I am not completely 100% back to normal but every week gets better. The first month postpartum, I struggled with suicidal thoughts occasionally. I am happy to say that it has been quite awhile since I have had any such thoughts. I have been going to therapy consistently and have adjusted my medications a couple times hoping to get the right balance and improvement. In therapy, I have been practicing recognizing when negative thought patterns begin and stopping them. I try harder to celebrate the little victories.

One thing I initially struggled with was bonding with Eli. I should first say that difficulty bonding is not the main indication of PPD. You can still be experiencing PPD without it. But for my journey, that was one of the symptoms. After Eli was born, I felt a strange disconnect between him and the baby I had carried inside me. It seemed too surreal that he could be that baby. Although it helped in the long-term, I struggled to come to terms with quitting breastfeeding. I felt unnecessary in my baby's life because anyone could take care of him. I also felt a bit of resentment towards him for putting me through this. That made me feel really guilty because I knew it wasn't his fault or mine. But the love came. One night I was struggling with guilt because I didn't feel like I loved Eli like a mother should because I enjoyed my time away from him so much. Adam asked me how I would feel if Eli was taken from me now having known him. I started crying realizing that I couldn't bear the thought of not having my little boy in my life. I had been too caught up with how a mother's love was supposed to be, ignoring what I felt. Now, I take note of the little moments in motherhood that I feel that love.

Also, Adam and I made the decision for me to leave work earlier than we planned. Originally, I was going to work until January but it was getting difficult for Adam to juggle his work and school responsibilities with taking care of Eli while I work. So, we decided that I should reduce my work hours now and end the first week of December. Whenever I thought of being a stay-at-home mom in January, I always felt fear. I worried that my PPD would get worse. However, after prayerfully deciding to leave earlier, I felt peace. I knew that Heavenly Father would help me if I made an effort to focus more on Eli. In my last days of working, I've tried harder to enjoy the time I have with Eli, rather than always looking forward to my next work shift. That has definitely made a difference.

I still struggle with times of feeling down or overwhelmed, but it is getting better. I know I am not alone in dealing with this and I am so grateful for all of the support I have received from my family and friends. Thank you!

An open and honest post about Postpartum Depression

I know that a lot of trials and issues people deal with are kept private but I believe that in order to get support from others, you have to be open yourself. Often people don't feel like they can talk about things unless someone opens up first so that's what I'm doing now.

I've been open before about my issues with anxiety and panic disorders. Because of this my midwives knew that I was at risk for postpartum depression. I knew I'd probably have anxiety but I've never dealt with clinical depression so I didn't think that it would be too big of a problem. Boy was I wrong. About 4 days after Eli was born, the depression hit hard. I broke down and admitted to myself and Adam that it was severe. Due to having some suicidal thoughts, we decided to take me to the emergency room. After getting a couple bags of IV fluids (I was severely dehydrated) and talking to a crisis worker, I decided it would be better for my recovery to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. I felt very guilty about this but I knew that in order for me to better take care of Eli, I had to allow myself to recover which required allowing others to help. I have received SO much support from my family and my ward family. However, it is still hard.

I've made improvements in the last couple weeks and have more good days than bad. It is hard when I have bad moments. It is hard not to feel like I'm regressing when I have a panic attack and need Adam to take care of Eli. It's hard not to feel like a bad mom when I have times where I don't feel bonded with my baby. It is hard to fear those dark thoughts returning and sinking back into that hole of depression. But there have been things that have helped.

Postpartum depression is an illness. Those hard things I'm dealing with are symptoms and not me. Bonding takes time but it will come. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be strengthened through this. I am never alone. I once said in this blog that sometimes we are given more than we can handle. But we are not meant to handle it alone. Through the help of the Spirit, angels (both mortal and heavenly), and treatment from trained professionals, I will get better. I'm at the beginning of a long road but there will be an end.

If anyone has dealt with or is dealing with postpartum depression/anxiety, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to receive support from you but more importantly, I would love to support you. We are not alone in any trial.

Thank you to all those who have provided us so much service in the last month. We will never be able to fully express to you our gratitude for everything anyone has done for us. Thank you :)

Sometimes we're given more than we can handle

As most of you know by now, we are expecting our first child this summer. We are overjoyed by our little boy growing inside of me and looking forward to the new adventures it will bring. It has been a rough journey to get to this point but I thought I'd share our story in case it can help someone else.

I should begin by saying that I have an anxiety disorder. Not a whole lot of people know this but I find that it is therapeutic to be open and not embarrassed by this. I'm so grateful for friends and family that have opened up about their own struggles with anxiety and depression and I hope I can be a support to someone I know who may have trouble accepting this. 

I have had struggles with anxiety and panic attacks since high school. I especially struggled with anxiety when it came to anything related to doctors and medical interventions. Because of this, the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth scared me to death. So, after I got married, my plan was to get an education and career and hopefully later on I would want a baby bad enough to get past my fear. There have been times in my life where I've had a good handle on my anxiety and other times I have not. A year ago was one of those latter times

Right before graduation, I was presented with an opportunity to get a full time job in my field. I was finishing up my degree in psychology and in March, decided to take a job at a group home for little girls with serious behavior and mental health challenges. Nearly all of them had been confronted with abuse to some degree and struggled to cope with their trauma. I had worked with kids before through volunteering at the Utah State Hospital for two semesters and I thought that I could handle this job even though it might be stressful. I started training and then started working directly in the home. After one day, I was a mess. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks once I got home and didn't sleep at all that night knowing I would have to go back. Adam and friends of mine encouraged me that this may be something to get used to and that my anxiety would get better. However, it did not. I felt nauseous constantly, barely ate, and hardly slept. I kept pushing myself to keep going even though every part of me was buckling under the stress (I was also finishing classes at this time). Eventually, I decided that I couldn't live like this and decided to quit after just a few weeks.

I slowly began to feel better and get my life back on track to finish my degree. But I was now worried about my lack of job situation for after I graduated. I was scared of getting another job in my field and having all of that anxiety come back. So after graduation, I began to look for jobs both in and out of my area of study.

During this time, I got really depressed because my life plan was not working out. I loved studying psychology and using it in any way I could but I was worried I couldn't get myself under control enough to be any support to others. I interviewed at a few places and ended up getting a couple job offers.  One was a full time job as a case manager position working with people with physical and intellectual abilities and the other was a part-time secretary position with a mental health clinic. The first job was in my field although not exactly the population I wanted to work with but I took it anyways. Right after I accepted it, I got a bad feeling that I couldn't shake and then all of my anxiety came back. I ended up experiencing the same panic attacks, nausea, and sleeplessness that I had back in March. The next morning I called the place back and told them I would be unable to take the job and then I called and set up an appointment to start therapy. I felt so weak and defeated that I kept getting these opportunities and because of my anxiety, had to deny them. Luckily the secretary job was still available so I started working there in June and decided to take some time to get healthy before pursuing my career.

I loved this new job and the people I worked with but I still felt purposeless. People kept asking me what my plans were and I was so embarrassed that I had no idea. During all of this time, I became closer to my Heavenly Father than ever before and I learned to rely on him for peace and strength. But I still was troubled that I didn't know what my future held. Adam was finally in a job that he enjoyed and he had decided to attend BYU for grad school so at least that was figured out. But I was still in limbo. 

I decided to go to the temple on my own one day. While I was there I prayed that I could know what my purpose is and whether or not I should aim to get a full time job and prepare for grad school. Then, in that moment, I got the strongest prompting I've ever received. I felt a strong feeling that I needed to take this time to prepare to be a mom, not for a career and that I was supposed to get pregnant soon. That thought scared me initially but then I felt this immense sense of peace and the feeling that God understood my weaknesses and my struggles and that He would be with me every step of the way.

After I left the temple, I told Adam what happened. His first reaction was mostly "are you serious?!". He had mentioned about a year and a half after we got married that he was ready to have kids whenever I was but of course I wanted to wait. At this time, he couldn't imagine me changing my mind especially with the level of anxiety I had been having. But the peace I felt had stayed with me and I knew this was why my plan hadn't worked out. Since then, he has received promptings of his own that have confirmed our decision to start a family.

I continued therapy and worked on getting myself mentally prepared to get pregnant and make sure I had a better handle of my anxiety. Adam and I eventually got to the point where we felt we were ready to start trying and after a bit, we found out I was pregnant! I had prepared so much to get to that point, but I still had a lot of fear after I found out. I continued to pray and received a couple of wonderful priesthood blessings from Adam that reminded me of the feelings I felt in the temple. God knows me and my struggles. He understands that this will be one of the hardest things I have to do. But I am NOT meant to do this alone. I am meant to have this experience to grow closer to Him.

I sometimes wonder if I hadn't been so stubbornly against having children before I felt "ready", maybe I wouldn't have had to go through such awful experiences. I don't know. But I do know that if you would've told me a year ago that I would be pregnant now, I would've thought you were crazy. 

I am so grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for the strength, peace, and love I have felt from my Heavenly Father. I still have moments of doubt and fear, especially as people offer unsolicited advice, tell their birth horror stories, or repeatedly tell me "it's just going to get worse". (Hint to those speaking to any pregnant woman, with or without anxiety: please stay positive!) I have done a lot better though with handling the fear I have about pregnancy and birth through the support I received through therapy and the constant guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I know my story is unique to me but I hope someone can gain strength from it. It is ok to feel weak and it is ok to ask for help. We have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us better than anyone and knows our weaknesses. Sometimes we are given more than we can handle but that is ok. We are not meant to handle it on our own. Heavenly Father pushes us to make us stronger than we ever thought we could be. I know he has for me and will continue to do so throughout this pregnancy and my life.

I know that God lives and loves us. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we are not only redeemed of our sins but comforted in our weaknesses. I know that through the Holy Ghost we can feel that comfort and peace. We are never alone.

<3 Ashley

P.S. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression or any mental health issue, I encourage you to read "Like A Broken Vessel", a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland.