Our September

I really appreciated everyone's response to my last post. I was so worried about sharing that much of what I was dealing with but I know it was the right thing to do. So many people reached out to me and shared their experience with postpartum depression and anxiety. Thank you for showing I am not alone.

Here's how the month has been for each of us!

Adam:  He has been amazing. He helps out so much with Eli and around the house while still finding time to support me through the PPD, do homework, and work in his jobs. For a little bit he stayed home from his classes to be with me, but luckily his professors have been super understanding and he didn't have to miss too many classes. He is only taking three classes this semester and they aren't too taxing right now. He is taking an advanced instructional design class, a statistics course, and a family history class (just for fun). He is also continuing to work on his master's project. In a couple of weeks, he will be presenting what he's been working on with his team at the regional Asian Studies conference in Salt Lake City! That also happens to be the same weekend as Eli's blessing so it will be VERY busy haha. Adam is aiming to graduate from his program in August 2016 so he doesn't have too much coursework left. Mostly it is just finishing his project. He is continuing to work for BYU Online as well as teach Digital Humanities 215 at BYU. He is enjoying the incoming of the fall season because it also means football season! Eli will learn quickly all about his daddy's love of BYU football :)

Ashley: I am improving every day. Dealing with PPD is rough sometimes as I have occasional bad moments but there are more good than bad. I was lucky to find some medications that are working right now as well as learning some coping skills in therapy. I returned to work at my part-time job at Wasatch Mental Health last week and it went really well. I am happier and less overwhelmed when taking care of Eli because I am able to have that break to what I did before he was born. It also helps to get into a routine of what will be our new normal. Everyone at my work was very excited to have me back which was a good mood booster. Many of the regular clients were excited to see me not pregnant anymore and see pictures of Eli. I am very grateful that at least for now I have the opportunity to work in such a wonderful environment. And Adam has been great at balancing all of the things he does with taking care of Eli while I work. I am hoping that I will continue to feel more like myself while still not being too hard on myself when the PPD/PPA flares up. I have definitely felt the prayers and thoughts on our behalf. Thank you :)

Eli: He is growing every day which is always so shocking to me. Already a month old! He is starting to grow out of his newborn clothes and he's gaining some more baby fat. He is more alert now which has been fun. And this last week he just started to smile! It doesn't happen super often right now but its always so wonderful when you successfully get him to grin :) He does not enjoy tummy time very much but he is getting a lot better with head and neck control when he is vertical. I met with a nurse that works for an in-home program for first time moms and she gave a lot of information and instruction on what we can do to help facilitate his development. I try to do what I can but its not always easy when he gets overtired. Eli enjoys eating, being held, and being allowed to wiggle while laying on his back on a blanket. We can't wait for his blessing in couple weeks so he can meet more of his family :)

One month old

Again, thank you everyone for your service, thoughts, and prayers. We have felt so much support near and far :)

An open and honest post about Postpartum Depression

I know that a lot of trials and issues people deal with are kept private but I believe that in order to get support from others, you have to be open yourself. Often people don't feel like they can talk about things unless someone opens up first so that's what I'm doing now.

I've been open before about my issues with anxiety and panic disorders. Because of this my midwives knew that I was at risk for postpartum depression. I knew I'd probably have anxiety but I've never dealt with clinical depression so I didn't think that it would be too big of a problem. Boy was I wrong. About 4 days after Eli was born, the depression hit hard. I broke down and admitted to myself and Adam that it was severe. Due to having some suicidal thoughts, we decided to take me to the emergency room. After getting a couple bags of IV fluids (I was severely dehydrated) and talking to a crisis worker, I decided it would be better for my recovery to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. I felt very guilty about this but I knew that in order for me to better take care of Eli, I had to allow myself to recover which required allowing others to help. I have received SO much support from my family and my ward family. However, it is still hard.

I've made improvements in the last couple weeks and have more good days than bad. It is hard when I have bad moments. It is hard not to feel like I'm regressing when I have a panic attack and need Adam to take care of Eli. It's hard not to feel like a bad mom when I have times where I don't feel bonded with my baby. It is hard to fear those dark thoughts returning and sinking back into that hole of depression. But there have been things that have helped.

Postpartum depression is an illness. Those hard things I'm dealing with are symptoms and not me. Bonding takes time but it will come. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be strengthened through this. I am never alone. I once said in this blog that sometimes we are given more than we can handle. But we are not meant to handle it alone. Through the help of the Spirit, angels (both mortal and heavenly), and treatment from trained professionals, I will get better. I'm at the beginning of a long road but there will be an end.

If anyone has dealt with or is dealing with postpartum depression/anxiety, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to receive support from you but more importantly, I would love to support you. We are not alone in any trial.

Thank you to all those who have provided us so much service in the last month. We will never be able to fully express to you our gratitude for everything anyone has done for us. Thank you :)